In Perpetual Pursuit

From USA Swimming Convention 2016

This past weekend I spent immersed in another birthmom retreat. The day after is always just so utterly exhausting. Those of you that really know me know I am not a fan of feelings (Except when they remind me I'm not a sociopath) and I don't like feelings because they DRAIN ME. Hardcore. It can take me days to recover from emotionally draining experiences. Today is one of them. So today, I give myself permission to feel all the feels. To be vulnerable and open and honest. To get it out, because, damnit, this deserves to be spoken into the world. When I write it helps me process the things I'm feeling. To give the swirling emotions a place to land. What you see when you read this is hours of writing, deleting, moving things around... over the course of two days. Writing a sentence or two at the bottom and bringing it back up later and adding more. Giving those feelings a place to live..even more importantly…. .giving them a home. And having the courage to let the res...

When you look at this picture, what do you see? Let me start out with how awesome this picture is. I'm standing on a roof, with this amazing sky, in my wedding dress, with the love of my life on the day I felt most beautiful.  Ever.  My hair was done professionally, my makeup was done professionally. I spent 4 years losing weight to be a healthy and active body.  My hometown is below us, where I am building a dream career.  My husband thinks my part of the picture looks kind of like a beach, with the surf receding off to the right...especially when the photo is in black in white. I'm holding handmade paper flowers, where some pages are pages from a book. Guys.  I CLIMBED ON A ROOF IN MY WEDDING DRESS.  WILLINGLY. I'm standing in the snow, and I can still feel the cold of the snow on my shoes. I remember the moment thinking of how sure I was in choosing a partner, that I was excited to be married and to build our partnership...and li...

Here I am at my most vulnerable.  This is my truth, and it was my reality.  And sharing certainly is scary.  With much courage, here is what I refused to talk to most people about for the past year.  Thank you to those who know my story and have supported me, and thank you to those who have encouraged me to share it. My Story On September 1, 2015 I  waited 10 minutes after the garage door closed and called my dad.  "Today is the day, Dad." And then I pulled out my gun, loaded it, and had it with me until I had men in the house with me that I knew could keep me safe. I called, texted and facebook messaged everyone I knew and could trust. The message went something like this: Hi! I am so sorry to bother you. I am really embarrassed, but I need help.  I have found myself in an abusive relationship and I have to move out.  Today. While he is at work.  He can't know I'm leaving. I was wondering if you could help me. If you can, the ad...