In Perpetual Pursuit

It's a constant struggle for me to maintain a "trim" figure and healthy weight. Not only genetics, but I have an autoimmune disorder that makes gaining weight as easy as blinking, and losing weight is a constant ride on the struggle bus. Well, that and I love tacos and I REALLY love ice cream. Somehow I picked up some really bad eating habits as a kid. Some of it came from being really involved in swimming and at the time "Carb loading" was a huge thing. I lived on and FOR pasta. I was ALWAYS hungry as a swimmer, and no one ever taught me to eat for my body type. We did a LOT of heavy eating at buffets. One time in HS I remember going out with my boyfriend to a buffet after swim practice and eating 6 plates of food...which was mostly starches, and thinking I could still eat more. I don't remember a time in my youth when I didn't hide some kind of sweet food in my bedroom to binge on...I specifically remember the time I emptied dry cake mix into Tupp...

My Story When I was ten, I cried during my first swim practice. And my second. And probably my third. Quite possibly for weeks. But I loved the water, and eventually, that water became the ONLY place I have ever felt truly at home. I almost quit swimming when I was in 7th grade. I got a new coach who pushed me a little more than I preferred and I didn't like it. My parents made me stick it out. And that year, that coach lit a fire under me that has never been put out. (Coach Jen, I can't thank you enough for the push, and coach Drew for two more years of great coaching, but not for cracking a raw egg on my head or entering me with short course yard times at a long course meet).  I will never forget the moment when coach Jen told me "Keep swimming" during a distance set, and I looked at her and said "but I'm done!" and she looked at me with a look I will never forget, and moved me up a lane. That was the day it all "clicked" Growing up, I...

Here I am at my most vulnerable.  This is my truth, and it was my reality.  And sharing certainly is scary.  With much courage, here is what I refused to talk to most people about for the past year.  Thank you to those who know my story and have supported me, and thank you to those who have encouraged me to share it. My Story On September 1, 2015 I  waited 10 minutes after the garage door closed and called my dad.  "Today is the day, Dad." And then I pulled out my gun, loaded it, and had it with me until I had men in the house with me that I knew could keep me safe. I called, texted and facebook messaged everyone I knew and could trust. The message went something like this: Hi! I am so sorry to bother you. I am really embarrassed, but I need help.  I have found myself in an abusive relationship and I have to move out.  Today. While he is at work.  He can't know I'm leaving. I was wondering if you could help me. If you can, the ad...

The Lesson of the Butterfly By Paulo Coelho A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still. The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled. The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shriveled wings, incapable of flight. What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterf...

Because this is an independent sport, athletes have their choice of where to train. As a coach I know how lucky I am to have an athlete like Rebekah choose to swim at our program. It amazing what can happen when an athlete sees what the coach sees. They start believing in their their potential and takes ownership of their success. This season Rebekah set three big goals --making states, making her sectional cut and make finals at senior champs-- and she took ownership of the steps to reach them. It truly takes a dedicated athlete to achieve what she has achieved. We have been through plateaus, anger, happiness and tears. I have watched her grow from a young swimmer to a committed athlete that trains, and truly believes she can achieve her goals. It isn't always easy but it is always worth it. It is very unusual that any individual athlete achieves three large goals in any season. I am so proud of her- for believing in her coaches and believing in herself.

An excerpt from this post was used as part of Hillary M. Jones's Birthmother Series http://www.hillarymjones.com/the-birthmother-series#8  I’m going to confess this secret part of me to the world: I never intended on having children. I had asked doctors for years if I could get my tubes tied and they all told me I would change my mind and wouldn't perform the procedure.  Oh the irony-of having the world control your reproductive rights and then accidentally getting pregnant!  I was 29 when I made my adoption plan.  A lot of people at the time didn't understand because I am so great with kids--I work with kids daily and spend a lot of time working with Special Needs kids. Just because I am awesome with children doesn't mean parenting is the best choice. The type of person her biological father was played a big part in my decision not to parent. (I realize my first mistake is procreating with a less than ideal human, but we all make mistakes; it’s how we l...

Life was very, very, very good to me in 2014.  There was lots of healing and growing in 2014.  I'm proud of me! The beginning of 2014 was pretty miserable, and I will be the first to admit that. Hands down, I was not in a great place emotionally...although I definitely couldn't have told you that at the time.  In March I had my wake up call: I found out that Abby and her adoptive parents were moving to Colorado.  My (what I thought was pretty together) emotional state was shaken, stirred, and vomited all over my pretty little head. Luckily, I found out they were moving while I was at a Birthmother retreat.  I found out that horrible, awful news when I was surrounded by a roomful of women that understood exactly what I was feeling; even if I couldn't articulate what I felt, yet.  It took me an entire weekend of crying quietly in the shower and alone in the woods before I could even begin to understand how I was feeling. I am forever grateful for those wo...