Food. A Love/Hate Relationship

It's a constant struggle for me to maintain a "trim" figure and healthy weight. Not only genetics, but I have an autoimmune disorder that makes gaining weight as easy as blinking, and losing weight is a constant ride on the struggle bus. Well, that and I love tacos and I REALLY love ice cream.

Somehow I picked up some really bad eating habits as a kid. Some of it came from being really involved in swimming and at the time "Carb loading" was a huge thing. I lived on and FOR pasta. I was ALWAYS hungry as a swimmer, and no one ever taught me to eat for my body type. We did a LOT of heavy eating at buffets. One time in HS I remember going out with my boyfriend to a buffet after swim practice and eating 6 plates of food...which was mostly starches, and thinking I could still eat more.

I don't remember a time in my youth when I didn't hide some kind of sweet food in my bedroom to binge on...I specifically remember the time I emptied dry cake mix into Tupperware and kept it hidden in my sock drawer and I'd make little "Cake mix snacks", mixing the dry powder and water in the bathroom with disposable cups. (I'm not joking, people.) I also remember the day my mom finally found it and I was on about my 8th box of cake mix. I don't know if all this is a learned behavior or something in my wiring. I LOVE fatty foods and salty foods. And if I could, I'd live on cheap white bread and butter. (Seriously).

Learning to forgive myself when I eat a cupcake I shouldn't is something I'm working on. Learning how to not turn an "oops" into with a week's worth of binging is something I'm working on.

Even though I struggle daily with food, I've lost more weight since this weight loss before/after picture I posted 3 years ago, but more importantly, I have KEPT IT OFF, gotten stronger, and am more in love with my body "AS-IS" each and every day. My weight may fluctuate day-to-day within 5 lbs (autoimmune stuff....Talk about frustrating!), and seasonally as well, but learning to love my body for the strength it has, has been a huge milestone in self-love and acceptance.

Crossfit has been an integral part of this transformation because the focus at CrossFit is GAINING instead of losing. I gain strength. As a result, I eat better, I sleep better, I feel better. It's a great cycle of progress and it works for me. It's not about struggling to lose weight, it's about growing as an athlete and as a human.

I think it's important for those of us that struggle with maintaining a healthy weight or those trying to lose weight to know that my weight loss journey is a yo-yo. I chart my weight daily and that graph is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Peaks, valleys, plateaus, it's all there. It's also important to know even the FITTEST athletes also see their weight fluctuate up and down based on training loads, etc. Gaining a few pounds (and even staying the same weight) doesn't mean you are failing.

Utilizing not only a scale but measuring inches and body fat has also been important. Often I would have seen myself as "failing" as I entered phases in this journey where I replaced fat loss with gaining muscle (often losing a ton of fat but gaining muscle so my weight went up) had I not measured just the scale. Another major overhaul with a dietary plan that I try to follow (at least, most days, anyway). Tracking my weight daily has also helped me, as it's not easy for me to see the weight gain creeping up if I don't monitor it daily, but I can see a pattern and realize I have to shift my lifestyle.

Having a supportive partner who understands my struggles, supports my dietary needs without question, and makes me whole sheet pans of delicious vegetables to keep me on track (and portions out my chocolate pudding) has also been integral.

As always, I share because I know I am not alone. Not sharing keeps it a secret which in turn brings about shame, and a struggle is NOT shameful. Nothing is wrong with you because you are struggling. The truth is we are all struggling with something, and no one has it all together. We are all human. It always takes an insane amount of bravery to say "Here I am, and I struggle with XXXX" but I believe if we all shared our struggles, we'd find a lot more people who say "ME TOO!" and then all of a sudden, life doesn't seem so damn hard.

Weight Loss from Summer 2014-Winter 2014.