Crossfit was supposed to be by safe space where I go to build myself back up from life's challenges. Crossfit was supposed to be the place I go to unleash my competitive nature...to give that drive somewhere to live. Crossfit was supposed to be that thing that gave me the mental challenge I needed to push myself in a safe space. Crossfit was supposed to be the place where I went to try and catch the guys. Crossfit was supposed to be my HAPPY place...the place that I couldn't wait to get to.
Crossfit was supposed to be the place I feel at home.
But inconsistency in attending due to outside life crazzzyness (and I mean crazyness) turned that safe, happy spot into a spot of dread. How far under my own PR would I be today? I would try to scale and then I'd still walk out of there with self-defeating talk. My binge eating yo-yoed like crazy. I'd go and be so exhausted from adrenal fatigue I couldn't get my brain to work. I thought about dropping my membership. And the thought of that just sucked because for 4 years that space was MY space, and it helped define who this new person was.
So instead of just pulling away...I sought some help. I texted one of the coaches and was pretty blunt and honest about what I was dealing with. His response? "Why don't you just take a break for a few months?"
It's funny. I have this repeating pattern of "needing permission" thing... but it's one of those weird things where sometimes I'm not sure of what I need until someone suggests it. And then i'm like "wait...what...I can just....take a break? And like.... crossfit will be there when I come back, ready? HUH." MIND BLOWN.
It's this weird place...it's the kill or be killed mindset with no gray area in between. Which is false self-talk. Because there is a lot of gray. I don't have to be all-in to crossfit. I can, you know, go for a swim, or do yoga and that's still health and fitness.
So I took this break. I took off from February to September. That's quite a break. And I think the most exercise I did was like...walk and a couple yoga sessions.
But when I went back my mindset had completely shifted. I spent some time in August focusing on my food intake and eating on more consistent, regular, schedule. I re-aligned some life goals for a better work-life balance, and to make sure I gave myself time to exercise. And I swam laps a few times in the beginning of September--mostly because I had holes in my lesson schedule, but also.... because the truth is I missed it. And man, did swimming feel good. I forgot HOW GOOD swimming made me feel.
My goal for Sept-December for crossfit was just to LOVE CROSSFIT WHILE I WAS THERE. To let the rest of the outside world fade away. To show up, when I could, and just love me for who I was in that moment. I didn't look at what my "old PR's" were, and I tried not to compare to those around me (which is hard, because you know...competitive girl here). Instead, I asked my body "What can you do today?" and I LISTENED. Sometimes my ego got in the way and was like "You know you can lift more than that". But my body said "keep those 15's, don't add the 25s". "Focus on your technique today" "ask for feedback"
I was amazed. I looked forward to going to the gym. Eating got better. Sleep got better. My brain felt better because it was getting exercise and happy brain feelings that your brain is supposed to get from exercise.
Instead of thinking of a place of "not enough" I had shifted my mindset into "love what your body can do". I've been striving to reach that thought process for about 1.5 years! I was constantly mad at myself for not losing "enough" weight (instead of being proud of how much weight/fat I HAD LOST AND KEPT OFF). Interestingly enough when I stopped feeling like my continued weight loss was never going to happen, and focused on what I was eating... guess what happened...Yup. Dropped a few pounds. I got rid of the cheat days, and now I enjoy two strategic cheat meals throughout the week. It's so much more sustainable and really, the cheat day was just an excuse to binge. (This post isn't about my ice cream addiction--but there's a little side bar at the bottom, so enjoy.)
My mind is seriously blown at the shift I have had.
No lie, though, its super hard to not compare myself. While I was taking a break, others have gained in leaps and bounds. It's hard when you're looking at that leaderboard to not be pissed at the yellow stars everyone else is getting while i'm over there squatting 85 lbs less than what I KNOW MY BODY CAN DO. but that's the thing..my body can't do that today and that's OK. For the first time...I stopped comparing myself to who I THINK I should be and started just letting myself live in that moment. And I'm pretty dang proud of that.
Comparison in competition can be good. Looking over at the girls rower next to you and you're one calorie ahead every time you look. That's good. because if you're the same, maybe you pull a little harder to get a little farther ahead. BUT comparison to others when you're working on YOURSELF, that is not good.
Yesterday is a prime example of the comparison. We did this workout ... "The GHOST". It's 6 rounds of 1 minute calorie Row, 1 minute burpee, 1 minute double under jump ropes, 1 minute rest. First...I LOVE WODS LIKE THIS because I'm good at "Plugging and chugging" (which is what most people call pacing). I also like the 1:00 thing because its just what i can do in that time, and not a certain number of reps.
Yesterday, I thought about scaling (that means modifying) and doing single unders because my double unders SUCK. Sometimes I can get 10 in a row, sometimes I can get 30... but the reality is after 1:00 of rowing (all legs) and 1 min burpees (also legs)... that's a lot of jumping. But you know what I SUCK WORSE AT? Doing Double unders in a WOD where there is a specific number you have to hit before you go on. If i get stuck (which is mostly mental, and some in the wrist action) I would be stuck on a piece of a wod and couldn't move on. So since yesterday was 1:00, I set my intention to just "do as many Double unders you can in a minute". Some minutes I got lucky and got 5-10 in a row, and there were a few minutes where I got stuck and only got a total of 5 double unders. That part SUCKKKED.
But when I was done, I was PROUD because I didn't let the mental thing get in the way. I didn't drop to singles just to get higher reps. I SET OUT AND ACHIEVED WHAT I HAD INTENDED TO DO WITH THE WORKOUT. My burpees and calories rowed were pretty consistent. All in all, it was a good workout. My total reps were 196...so close to 200 (which wasn't even on my radar as a goal)
And then, I looked at everyone else's results. The women that chose to scale were in the 500-700 range. That part sucked, knowing that I could have had those numbers if I had chosen to do single jump ropes, which I'm really really really good at. I probably would have had a score over 700. I even texted my friend Jess about it. I WAS SO MAD AT MYSELF for not choosing to scale so I could be at the top of the leaderboard.
WHAT THE HECK. That wasn't even my INTENT YESTERDAY. I left the gym proud of what I had accomplished and not letting the mental get in the way. And then my brain was like "Hey lets mind-F*ck yourself". Stupid brain.
So I slept on it and thought about it and thought about it and realized that I needed to write it out. To say "this thing happened and I know I'm not the only one." Instead of ruminating in the "I should haves" I decided to share the struggle. Because, well, I believe if we talked more about this hard stuff, we'd all be a lot stronger.
So mostly today I write to share that experience--the needing to take a break, the ability to reset intention and goals, and the ability to check myself for the "rumination" and process that feeling instead of living in a loop of "should've shit". No more should've shit!!! Own your shit! And my reality is when I walked out of that gym I was proud of what my body did that day. No one else gets to define that pride.
Soooo the ice cream thing.
I have this little addiction to ice cream. It's like...the only great thing besides my daily coffee I have left except cheese fries on the first day of my period. (because we CELEBRATE NOT BEING PREGNANT Y'ALL...its all about mindset). I literally could eat a pint of ice cream a day. I mean, I have apparel that says "The only reason I live in Youngstown is for the Handle's Ice Cream".
Anyway. I love ice cream and Icould tend to eat it daily. A LOT OF IT.
So I'm currently in day 4 of no ice cream for 6 weeks challenge. Just thought ya'll should know so you can hold me accountable, and you know, in case I bite your head off in a lack of double chocolate chunk rage.
Happy Friday!
Crossfit was supposed to be the place I feel at home.
But inconsistency in attending due to outside life crazzzyness (and I mean crazyness) turned that safe, happy spot into a spot of dread. How far under my own PR would I be today? I would try to scale and then I'd still walk out of there with self-defeating talk. My binge eating yo-yoed like crazy. I'd go and be so exhausted from adrenal fatigue I couldn't get my brain to work. I thought about dropping my membership. And the thought of that just sucked because for 4 years that space was MY space, and it helped define who this new person was.
So instead of just pulling away...I sought some help. I texted one of the coaches and was pretty blunt and honest about what I was dealing with. His response? "Why don't you just take a break for a few months?"
It's funny. I have this repeating pattern of "needing permission" thing... but it's one of those weird things where sometimes I'm not sure of what I need until someone suggests it. And then i'm like "wait...what...I can just....take a break? And like.... crossfit will be there when I come back, ready? HUH." MIND BLOWN.
It's this weird place...it's the kill or be killed mindset with no gray area in between. Which is false self-talk. Because there is a lot of gray. I don't have to be all-in to crossfit. I can, you know, go for a swim, or do yoga and that's still health and fitness.
So I took this break. I took off from February to September. That's quite a break. And I think the most exercise I did was like...walk and a couple yoga sessions.
But when I went back my mindset had completely shifted. I spent some time in August focusing on my food intake and eating on more consistent, regular, schedule. I re-aligned some life goals for a better work-life balance, and to make sure I gave myself time to exercise. And I swam laps a few times in the beginning of September--mostly because I had holes in my lesson schedule, but also.... because the truth is I missed it. And man, did swimming feel good. I forgot HOW GOOD swimming made me feel.
My goal for Sept-December for crossfit was just to LOVE CROSSFIT WHILE I WAS THERE. To let the rest of the outside world fade away. To show up, when I could, and just love me for who I was in that moment. I didn't look at what my "old PR's" were, and I tried not to compare to those around me (which is hard, because you know...competitive girl here). Instead, I asked my body "What can you do today?" and I LISTENED. Sometimes my ego got in the way and was like "You know you can lift more than that". But my body said "keep those 15's, don't add the 25s". "Focus on your technique today" "ask for feedback"
I was amazed. I looked forward to going to the gym. Eating got better. Sleep got better. My brain felt better because it was getting exercise and happy brain feelings that your brain is supposed to get from exercise.
Instead of thinking of a place of "not enough" I had shifted my mindset into "love what your body can do". I've been striving to reach that thought process for about 1.5 years! I was constantly mad at myself for not losing "enough" weight (instead of being proud of how much weight/fat I HAD LOST AND KEPT OFF). Interestingly enough when I stopped feeling like my continued weight loss was never going to happen, and focused on what I was eating... guess what happened...Yup. Dropped a few pounds. I got rid of the cheat days, and now I enjoy two strategic cheat meals throughout the week. It's so much more sustainable and really, the cheat day was just an excuse to binge. (This post isn't about my ice cream addiction--but there's a little side bar at the bottom, so enjoy.)
My mind is seriously blown at the shift I have had.
No lie, though, its super hard to not compare myself. While I was taking a break, others have gained in leaps and bounds. It's hard when you're looking at that leaderboard to not be pissed at the yellow stars everyone else is getting while i'm over there squatting 85 lbs less than what I KNOW MY BODY CAN DO. but that's the thing..my body can't do that today and that's OK. For the first time...I stopped comparing myself to who I THINK I should be and started just letting myself live in that moment. And I'm pretty dang proud of that.
Comparison in competition can be good. Looking over at the girls rower next to you and you're one calorie ahead every time you look. That's good. because if you're the same, maybe you pull a little harder to get a little farther ahead. BUT comparison to others when you're working on YOURSELF, that is not good.
Yesterday is a prime example of the comparison. We did this workout ... "The GHOST". It's 6 rounds of 1 minute calorie Row, 1 minute burpee, 1 minute double under jump ropes, 1 minute rest. First...I LOVE WODS LIKE THIS because I'm good at "Plugging and chugging" (which is what most people call pacing). I also like the 1:00 thing because its just what i can do in that time, and not a certain number of reps.
Yesterday, I thought about scaling (that means modifying) and doing single unders because my double unders SUCK. Sometimes I can get 10 in a row, sometimes I can get 30... but the reality is after 1:00 of rowing (all legs) and 1 min burpees (also legs)... that's a lot of jumping. But you know what I SUCK WORSE AT? Doing Double unders in a WOD where there is a specific number you have to hit before you go on. If i get stuck (which is mostly mental, and some in the wrist action) I would be stuck on a piece of a wod and couldn't move on. So since yesterday was 1:00, I set my intention to just "do as many Double unders you can in a minute". Some minutes I got lucky and got 5-10 in a row, and there were a few minutes where I got stuck and only got a total of 5 double unders. That part SUCKKKED.
But when I was done, I was PROUD because I didn't let the mental thing get in the way. I didn't drop to singles just to get higher reps. I SET OUT AND ACHIEVED WHAT I HAD INTENDED TO DO WITH THE WORKOUT. My burpees and calories rowed were pretty consistent. All in all, it was a good workout. My total reps were 196...so close to 200 (which wasn't even on my radar as a goal)
And then, I looked at everyone else's results. The women that chose to scale were in the 500-700 range. That part sucked, knowing that I could have had those numbers if I had chosen to do single jump ropes, which I'm really really really good at. I probably would have had a score over 700. I even texted my friend Jess about it. I WAS SO MAD AT MYSELF for not choosing to scale so I could be at the top of the leaderboard.
WHAT THE HECK. That wasn't even my INTENT YESTERDAY. I left the gym proud of what I had accomplished and not letting the mental get in the way. And then my brain was like "Hey lets mind-F*ck yourself". Stupid brain.
So I slept on it and thought about it and thought about it and realized that I needed to write it out. To say "this thing happened and I know I'm not the only one." Instead of ruminating in the "I should haves" I decided to share the struggle. Because, well, I believe if we talked more about this hard stuff, we'd all be a lot stronger.
So mostly today I write to share that experience--the needing to take a break, the ability to reset intention and goals, and the ability to check myself for the "rumination" and process that feeling instead of living in a loop of "should've shit". No more should've shit!!! Own your shit! And my reality is when I walked out of that gym I was proud of what my body did that day. No one else gets to define that pride.
Soooo the ice cream thing.
I have this little addiction to ice cream. It's like...the only great thing besides my daily coffee I have left except cheese fries on the first day of my period. (because we CELEBRATE NOT BEING PREGNANT Y'ALL...its all about mindset). I literally could eat a pint of ice cream a day. I mean, I have apparel that says "The only reason I live in Youngstown is for the Handle's Ice Cream".
Anyway. I love ice cream and I
So I'm currently in day 4 of no ice cream for 6 weeks challenge. Just thought ya'll should know so you can hold me accountable, and you know, in case I bite your head off in a lack of double chocolate chunk rage.
Happy Friday!
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