Reposted from my adoption blog. Written to Abigail...during the first week after giving birth. <3
Genetic "Surrogacy"
I am so thankful that I chose an open adoption early in my pregnancy. I had time to get to know your parents and by the time you were born they already felt like family to me. For the majority of the pregnancy I was able to mentally prepare myself for your birth and the fact that you would be going home with your mom and dad. The first time I met your parents at the end of September I knew they were going to be your mom and dad, so pretty much the whole time I was pregnant with you I always felt like you were theirs. I even used the term that I was a "genetic surrogate" to help explain to people how I felt about the open adoption. I look up to your parents and how strong their relationship is to have gone through 12 years of being together and how much they deserve to be your parents. I look at how they are together and hope someday I will find someone that I will be able to have the same type of strong relationship with.
After you were born
The first time I held you I just kind-of stared at you. I couldn't believe you were finally here...it felt like the never-ending pregnancy! So much had changed in my life from May of 2011 to now! I couldn't believe that a situation that started out so difficult and challenging had turned into something so absolutely beautiful. The whole time I was pregnant the whole science of how a baby is formed and developed fascinated me. I really couldn't believe that two cells created you...and how really amazing that is. I expected to be more emotional when I first held you, but I wasn't. I also don't like to cry in front of people so I don't know if that had to do with it. I got to check out all your body parts and you had really long toes! We think this will help you be a good swimmer, just like me! :) (And if you turn out not to like swimming that is ok, too!) I really was mesmerized by you.
I got to see all the pictures of everyone holding you in the beginning when I was still in recovery from the C-section and that was really awesome. I wish I could have been there to see your mom and dad the first time they got to see you, but the pictures will have to do. I'm sure it was love at first sight!
The whole time we were in the hospital, your parents and I spent time together. They were so nice to let all of my friends come in and see and hold you. I was so proud of you and my decision and I wanted to show you off--and them! I wanted all of my friends to meet your parents that I had talked about for 6 months, and see how beautiful you were. I'm thankful I had those three days to get to spend time with my friends and family with your mom and dad and you. I think that it really was healing to have such an open relationship with your parents. They let me hold you whenever you wanted and feed you--but no twosies! (That was part of our deal!)
Pregnancy and the Adoption Process
When I first found out I was pregnant in June I was really scared. I never imagined myself as a single mom, but I knew I would make the best of the situation. I was confident that I would be a great mom, and that you would have a healthy and happy life. Your first ultrasound you were so tiny and you looked like a little gummy bear, so I started calling you that. I hoped it would make the situation more real. I started seeing a counselor and I decided I would use the catch-phrase "What is psychologically best for the baby" throughout my pregnancy to help me make well thought-out, educated, logical, and rational decisions. I knew that my whole life was going to change and I was going to have to put you first, so that's what I started to do. At that time your biological father and I were still a couple and living together, but during the month of July everything fell apart, and right now as I write this I'm happy that it did. It was devastating at first--having the one thing that should bind two people together tear us completely apart. But looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me--and you.
I don't know what will happen in your life from the time I write this to when you can actually read it, so I won't say much about your biological father. He did have the most beautiful blue eyes with the longest eye lashes ever--and I hope you get at least the eye lashes because mine are REALLY short! I also hope you get his bone structure instead of mine--especially in the thigh area. I have Dubnicka (my mom's) side of the family thighs and they're pretty curvy. :) I like to stay positive, and I am hoping that someday he is at least a part of your life because you deserve to know him in some capacity and make your own decisions regarding how you feel about him.
After your biological dad and I split apart I started to really think about the life I wanted you to have. I thought about all of my friends who were single moms that made it work. I thought about how hard their life was, and how much they struggled with absent fathers...and I didn't want that for you. I wasn't worried about you having a strong, positive male role models; I have terrific male friends, and Uncle Mike and Grandpa Dick are fantastic people...but I didn't want to spend a life fighting to have help from your biological father-not just financially, but in all aspects of life as well, and there was no way I could do it without some type of help from him, at the very minimum financial. That wasn't a life I wanted for you.
I had a good job as a teacher and was building swim team and my board of directors were working to make that my full-time job. I wasn't a teenager and pregnant, so I thought I could handle everything. When I put my mind to something that I really want failure is not an option, and I was confident I would be able to raise a great child as a single mother. But, I started to think about all the different experiences that my mom and dad were able to provide me and that I would want you to have as well. I knew from college psychology coursework that kids grow up psychologically healthier in two-parent homes. I grew up in a home with two parents that was financially stable and they were able to provide for me. There was money for the necessities and they made sure there was money for me to swim, take piano/flute/oboe lessons, for creative endeavors, and to experience museums, art and culture. They valued education and passed that on to me as well. We experienced everything from being muddy, dirty, and gross to being highly dressed up and being expected to be on our best behavior. I could go from being dressed up at a symphony one weekend to laying under a classic car, learning how to bleed brakes the next weekend... I wanted all those things for you.
At 11 1/2 weeks I had some spotting that really scared me. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound and when you showed up as everything was OK I felt a lot of relief. You had arms and legs now and looked a little more human than a gummy bear. I tried to come up with names for you if you were a boy or girl to keep things positive. I was determined to make sure you were a happy and healthy baby.
The more I thought about everything, and my decision to do what was psychologically best for you, the more I realized I needed to look into other options. I met with my attorney to find out about all kinds of laws. I didn't want to involve your biological dad but it became clear that because I was on WIC and the state healthcare to make sure you were healthy that I would have to list your biological father, and I wanted to protect you from him if I could. Abortion was never an option...a miscarriage would have been difficult but I would have understood the science behind it. Ever since I was in high school I had been an advocate for open adoption even though I didn't know much about it. Anytime I had a friend get pregnant I would always encourage them to look into it. I thought at 29 I didn't need that choice, but as the pregnancy continued I realized it was something I still needed to consider.
I did some research online and came up with Caring for Kids as an adoption agency. I met with them September 23 and filled out paperwork about openness and what I was looking for in adoptive parents. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I was looking for in parents. I wanted parents who were healthy and active, college educated, who had some type of artistic or creative outlet and would expect the same for their child--just like my mom and dad had provided for me. I left that first meeting feeling a sense of relief that I could give you a great life and thinking it was the right choice. I went over to Uncle Mike's house right after the first meeting with CFK and we talked about the whole adoption process. He was really great and understanding through the whole thing.
A week or two later I met with CFK again and they gave me books about the potential parents. I couldn't wait to get the books! I was so excited to pick out a family for you. Your mom and dad were my first choice--and I knew a few hours after CFK giving me the books! I showed your Grandma Dorie the books and she looked through them and told me she could see why out of all the couples, I chose your mom and dad as my top choice.
I met your mom and dad at Macaroni Grille a week later. I was really nervous! I felt like I was on a blind date but all went well. We ate dinner and talked at Macaroni Grille for three hours! They shared life stories and pictures and I did as well. It turned out that your dad was in a kayak during the Cleveland Triathlon that I swam in just a few months before. (That was not fun! You plus super wavy water made me REALLY sick during the race!) I knew about 30 minutes into meeting your parents that they were the right people to be your mom and dad. Earlier that day I had also learned you were a girl, so they got to see ultrasound pictures of you and find out you were a girl right from the start. After Macaroni Grille we decided to go over to starbucks and we kept talking for another two hours.
A few weeks later your mom and dad came down to Salem and we went to lunch and then they got to come to an ultrasound and see you. I was very private about the doctor and would always go by myself, so it was a big deal to let your parents come. I wanted your mom and dad to experience seeing you in a live ultrasound in case they never had babies of their own or another adoptive mom...so I let them come in. As soon as they saw the first bit of the ultrasound and I saw how happy and excited they were, any little sense of doubt I had about an adoption was gone. I knew I was making the right choice with the adoption AND with your parents. Seeing your parents happy made ME happy. We also got confirmation during that ultrasound that you were a girl. :)
The rest is "history"! Your mom and dad and I would spend a lot of time together over the next few months and we really got to know each other. Every time I got to spend time with your parents solidified my choice that they were the best parents for you. I joked a lot during my pregnancy that "I wished I could pick boyfriends like I could pick adoptive parents!"
Signing
I was feeling pretty good about the adoption during the whole hospital stay and how much time we were all spending together. I think it made the transition a lot easier. I was able to spend time with you while your parents cared for you, and that was pretty awesome, too. However, nothing could have prepared me for how hard actually signing the paperwork for my parental rights would be. Abby, the social worker from Caring for Kids, came down on Thursday so I could sign the paperwork. I was hyper all morning, and my blood pressure was sky-high so I knew was going to come crashing down sometime that day... I just didn't know when. Turns out it was as soon as Abby turned the tape recorder on. We had to go over a bunch of paperwork on tape. The hardest part was when I had to write a statement about why I couldn't care for you. It's not that I couldn't...it was that I wanted you to have a better life than I could have given you.
I cried through the entire process of signing away my rights to you. I was prepared for it, but I didn't know how HARD it would be to actually put it on paper. Writing the statement about why I couldn't care for you was the hardest part for me. I didn't know what to say, yet I had so MUCH to say--but I only had two little lines to write on. I finally wrote "I want my child to be raised in a financially stable, two-parent home." The whole process probably only took 15 minutes but it felt like an eternity.
You definitely won't remember this but after I signed I had you alone in my hospital room and you and I had a little chat about all the reasons why I gave you to your mom and dad. We talked about all the reasons I wanted to protect you and how much I loved you and that because I loved you so much I had to let you go. I felt really silly talking to a sleeping baby but I was glad I got it all off my chest. I had been holding a lot of it in to be strong for you so you were a happy and healthy newborn.
Leaving the Hospital
After your parents signed their part of the adoption paperwork they got you ready to go home. That was quite the adventure! Mom and Dad were funny to watch trying to get you all strapped in to your car seat. I think they tried 3-4 times! You were actually awake with your eyes open for a little bit in your going home outfit so we got some great pictures of you that day. So far, they are my favorite ones.
It was really hard for me to see you get all strapped up because it meant everything was ending. The whole process was finally over and it was time for me to go home and deal with the postpartum and heal physically. We got a bunch of family pictures that day at the hospital but I was still swollen from the IV and medication, and my eyes were swollen from crying. Yuck!
I was very glad we got to leave the hospital together. I got to see you in the car and kiss you goodbye. Your mom and dad were really excited to take you home! Grandma Dorie made plans for us to see you that Sunday, since your grandma (your mom's mom) was going to be in town and her and Uncle Dick wanted to meet her. I was pretty upset with Grandma Dorie at the time because I wasn't sure if I'd be ready to see you yet. I spent most of Thursday and Friday at my apartment. I cried a lot those two days but by Saturday I was doing a lot better. I started to look forward to seeing you and your mom and dad. Sunday I was really glad to see you and spend time with you and your side of the family. I held you a lot but it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be. I felt that you were at home with your parents and we were visiting, which is just what I wanted for you. We also got to take new photographs which I was glad about. I didn't feel so hospital gross and I felt a lot more like myself--and I was a lot less bloated and a lot thinner!
You had changed a lot in the few days since I saw you. Your mom and dad kept talking about the cute and funny things you did. I kept saying "Yep, I know what you mean!" I finally got to figure out all the movements I was feeling when you were inside me. You have a really strong neck already so I figure you must have been head-banging in there on my kidneys!
One Week Later
So it's been a week since I gave birth to you and I think I'm doing pretty well phsycially and emotionally. I cried a lot while I was writing this but I think that's pretty normal. I feel a lot more like myself again, and I'm ready to start going for short walks and working out again. The doctors told me I have to wait 6 weeks to work out but I don't see that happening! Today I called my doctor and asked for my pre-pregnancy weight and the last weight they had of me before I had you. It turns out I've lost almost 30 pounds in one week! I've gotten a whole lot thinner and I'm pretty excited about that. My clothes fit again! Woohoo!
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