No more bitching, start living.

I'm absolutely tired of hearing of everyone's troubles and how bad their life is.  Absolutely sick of it.  If you don't like where you are in life, CHANGE IT.  You are the one that makes your choices.  It's not the economy's fault, where you live, who you're dating... it's yours.  Yes, I had a really bad patch in my life and I'm thankful for my friends that stuck with me through it.  Having a rough patch and taking a negative and turning it positive is one thing...Constantly having a life where you are miserable and everything goes wrong and you are in chaos is another.  Two completely different things.  If you are the later, please consider this your notice that I will be pulling back on the friendship level.  If you want to know if that's you, ask.  I'll gladly tell you.  I'm tired of candy-coating things for people that are constantly in turmoil.  Suck it up. Life sucks, lemons are sour, but you can either make lemonade or have that terrible look on your face from eating a lemon.  (oooh, so cliche', i know. Make lemonade.)

I realize the irony here, I'm bitching about people bitching.  Just keep reading. 

I don't know if its being 30, or WHAT but something kicked in recently.  

1.  We know what we put in our bodies effects how we feel.  Fast food is bad for our bodies, it makes us lethargic and being lethargic makes us miserable.  OK, so I've severely cut back on the fast food. I'm working on eating a lower-carb, less processed food diet.  It's going to take time, but I'm conscious of it.  A sudden change is going to mean falling off the wagon and going fast food nutso for a week straight, so i'm still doing the once-a-week fast food binge.  Long John silver's chicken may just be the "Death of me".  THat shit just melts in your mouth.  
2. We know what we put on our skin effects how it looks.  So i'm working on eliminating chemicals going onto my skin.  I've bought into  NYR Orgnaic skincare company, so I can make the change to a healthy, active lifestyle.  
3. We know exercising isn't just good for our bodies, its good for our brains.  I know that lack of exercise makes me miserable   Speaking of which, Tuesday starts the regular gym trips again, even if it means a 6:00 am trip to the gym so it gets done. (Sorry Justin, your'e coming, too).  
4. We know reading, educating, learning is good for our brains.  So I've made the commitment to read more, learn more.  I've subscribed to a few more magazines, and I'm learning about business, swimming, and a healthier lifestyle.   There's way too much cool stuff out there to learn.  

I bet 90% of you would agree with the above 4 statements.  You would also agree that a positive attitude/positive mental outlook is also crucial to a healthy life.  I'm done listening to the bitching.  If you need to vent, you can say to me, "Caroline, I need you to listen. I just need to vent." And I'll listen.  But please, don't come to me for the sake of bitching if you don't want some constructive criticism, or some suggestions.  I'm tired of people asking for help and then my ideas aren't right, or not what they want to hear. If you want to vent (occasionally) i'm all ears.  I"m just tired of talking about only everything that's going WRONG. WHy can't we talk about what's going RIGHT?  

(Hopefully, I'm not doing too much pot-->kettle, kettle-->pot here.)

So here's my story:

I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, because I let someone take advantage of me--my personality is wanting to help people and do it by any means possible.  That person took advantage of me not only financially, but psychologically and did some (what I hope is not) irreversible damage.  I say "what I hope is not" because I'm working hard to change some of that damage but it still sneaks its ugly head back in now and then.  I continued to let that person steal money from me, abuse me emotionally and psychologically...and got pregnant in the process.  I chose to have his baby, instead of an abortion.  

Do I regret that decision?  No.  Almost losing everything was a wakeup call.  I left and didn't look back.  Yes, he may have taken my money, some of my self-esteem, some of my heart.  However, hearts heal, money can be made, and self-esteem can be brought back.  The one thing he didn't (thankfully) take was my ability to love or trust.  

I had a baby; my body will never be the same.  I now have stretch marks on my stomach, weight gain that I can't seem to lose, and in general, I'm just "lumpy".  I'm miserable attempting a low-carb diet.  And by miserable, I mean I'm a raging bitch if I don't eat some carbs on a regular basis. 

I chose to give my child the life she deserves: A financially stable, two-parent home.   Being an educated individual with a degree in early childhood, I know the pyschological damage having an absent father can cause, not to mention one that would cause psychological damage.   I work with adults who didn't graduate High School.  I know the statistics of single parenting, etc. etc.  My decision was rational, and thought-out, not emotional.  I worked in inner-city schools.  I saw, firsthand, what kind of life some kids have because of deadbeat fathers.   I didn't want that for her.  So I chose to give her up.  Yes, I could have kept her. Would I have kicked-ass at being a single mom? You betcha.  

And just to clarify: no, I do not think single moms are bad people.  Likewise with single dads.  Do I think maybe "some" parents should have done an open adoption with their kids? Probably.  Does this make me a bad person? Maybe.  But I think there's a big difference in a single (or 2 parent) home where parents actually PARENT their children versus just being the "label" or "shell" of a parent.  I have plenty of friends who are single parents, and they are doing a stellar job with their kids.   They finish their education, they work hard and their kids have everything they can provide, and not just monetary.  I'm talking about the emotional and psychological support that kids DESERVE.  Putting your kid first, 90% of the time.  (not this teen mom tv show bullshit. Pregnancy sucks.  Raising a kid is the most difficult thing on the planet.) Hey, you need at least 10% of time for yourself.  Don't lose yourself when you have kids. 

I'm absolutely exhausted at having to continually defend my decision that I made to put my child up for adoption.  What I hate is when people presume that I made this decision and just moved on with my life--put it behind me, if you will.  Are you freaking  kidding me?  Yes, I am proud of my decision, but does it hurt? Absolutely.  I see her and I see me, and some days it just absolutely KILLS me.  Other days, I think of how thankful I am to have found her such GREAT parents, and that the relationship we have (between me and adoptive parents) is so strong.  I'm able to be involved in her life as much as I want to be, and they allow me to be there for it.  It's some pretty awesome stuff.  

Yes, I know it was my choice to be public about the adoption, but for crying out loud!!! It does not make me a bad person.  I had a baby, I put her up for adoption.  I didn't do it because she was an inconvenience, I did it so she would have a better life than what I could provide, and to keep her safe from a potentially abusive biological father.   NO ONE took my child from me.  I CHOSE who her parents would be.  I'm PROUD of my decision.  Shame on you for thinking otherwise. 

And just a side note here: I would have another baby and give it up for adoption again..go through the hurt, turmoil, etc, knowing how HAPPY it would make another family to be complete.  I don't WANT to, but I will say...the heartache is WORTH the outcome.  

The adoption is a part of me, but it doesn't define who I am.  It does not define me, but yes...it changed me.  Some days I wonder if it will ever just feel "normal" to be a biological mom.  I guess it will take some time for this to feel like the new me to become the "me" that is normal.  

I remember that Johnson and Johnson's TV ad that said 'Having a baby changes everything."  I guess some sort of naivety made me think that I would go back to "normal me" after I had her.  I couldn't WAIT to get the thing out of me, heal my c-section scar and go back to feeling normal. (Hell, I did a triathlon 30 days after having her).  Ha. Normal. Someone should have prepared me (i'm sure someone said something but I wasn't listening) that I would be discovering a new normal and having to learn who I was all over again.  

Well, newsflash, Caroline... having a baby DOES change everything.  I have this new set of emotions that well, sometimes I cry and can't help it.  WHAT? yeah. ME. I cry. It SUCKS. I hate it. I've never like crying, and now, i just cry at the drop of a hat.  Secondly, I get really angry sometimes.  Like want to punch you in your face, angry.  But then I go to the gym and put up the bar with 45's on both sides and that's freaking awesome so I don't want to punch you in the face anymore.  (Lucky you). I should probably take up boxing. 

And...apparently going through a pregnancy/open adoption has really forced me to grow up.  And I mean, holy cow grow up, and grow up fast.  I don't know if it was the sobriety of the pregnancy, the realization of turning 30, or WHAT, but I suddenly realized I was headed down a really bad path if I didn't make some changes.  

Somehow through all of this baby mess, I managed to make a new best friend.  Somehow, I hit the jackpot.  He's good looking, sensitive, I'm comfortable in my own skin around him, he works hard, plays harder, and makes me laugh.  And now we live together and are discussing future plans. HOLY HELL.  (Yeah.)  One of my friends once told me being married was like "coming home to your best friend every day".  At that time, I couldn't imagine what the heck she was talking about.  I liked coming home to my cat.  

Well played, world.  Now I have a best friend that I can't wait to see at the end of the day.  MLIA? ha.

The other day he told me "sometimes I wish I could've known the Pre-baby Caroline."  Well, she's pretty much gone.  She sneaks out every once in a while, but you know what? it's probably a good thing that that old Caroline is gone.  I had a really FUN time at life, but I was headed down a really bad path.  This whole being a grown-up thing isn't so bad.  

I asked Justin the other day if he ever wondered why he fought being in a relationship like this for so long.  We were both pretty similar. Dated around, short relationships, blah blah...and now we're practically in it for keeps overnight.  I don't think either one of us have an answer to that question but you know... it's just nice to know someone else truly has your back.  

Alright. I"m done now.