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2012: Love, loss, beginnings, endings: Caroline.

In 2012 I loved and lost. 

This was the year that I gave birth to Abigail and relinquished her in an open adoption.  She belongs to Brooke and Todd, but she is loved by all.  I am so thankful every day that the adoption went as well as it did.  The feeling of love is sometimes overshadowed by the feeling of loss, but I know it will get better in time. I have the best adoptive parents that respect the space I need and let me cherish the moments I need as well.  Abigail will be getting a baby sister in February and I couldn't be more excited for them.

2012 was a year of beginnings and endings.  

This was the year I made the choice to end several friendships due to growth, chaos, or because the choices they made regarding my decision to place my child for adoption.   This was the year that I began a lifelong relationship with healing. 

This was the year I began surrounding myself again with people that were positive and would support me and my decisions.  I ended the relationships that didn't.  

I gained more weight than I thought was humanly possible and have began the journey of ending the baby weight. This was the year I got a PR on a triathlon 31 days after having a c-section, and discovered I could bench the bar with 45 lbs on both side.

Most importantly, this was the year that I ended the old Caroline.  She was fun, (boy was she FUN), but the new Caroline is much more thoughtful, loved, and most importantly, an ADULT.

In 2012 I stood up for myself and what I believed was right. 

I put another human's life and well being ahead of my own (and shame on anyone who speaks ill of me for doing so).  The pain I experience on a daily basis will NEVER supersede the life she has been given.  I told the world "it is OK to do this" and still continue to be an advocate for the open adoption process.  I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns and being open, honest, and up front about it.  No matter the pain, I am proud of my decision and my ability to stand up for myself again.  I have told other birthmothers that their decision is OK and to be proud of it.

In 2012 I proved to myself I was ok.
The adoption no longer feels like it defines who I am.  It is a part of me, it will always be a part of me, but it isn't ALL of me.  I have moved on and found love and true happiness.  I have spent less money, saved more money, drank less, read more, and have found a lot of joy in the smaller things in life.  I am ok.

And most importantly, In 2012 I showed the world that no matter how far I had fallen, I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and climb back up...higher than I ever had ever climbed before. 

And at the end of a year, that's what matters most.




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