THE truth, MY truth, and BELIEF

When you look at this picture, what do you see?

Let me start out with how awesome this picture is.

I'm standing on a roof, with this amazing sky, in my wedding dress, with the love of my life on the day I felt most beautiful.  Ever.  My hair was done professionally, my makeup was done professionally. I spent 4 years losing weight to be a healthy and active body.  My hometown is below us, where I am building a dream career.  My husband thinks my part of the picture looks kind of like a beach, with the surf receding off to the right...especially when the photo is in black in white. I'm holding handmade paper flowers, where some pages are pages from a book.

Guys.  I CLIMBED ON A ROOF IN MY WEDDING DRESS.  WILLINGLY.

I'm standing in the snow, and I can still feel the cold of the snow on my shoes. I remember the moment thinking of how sure I was in choosing a partner, that I was excited to be married and to build our partnership...and life, together.  It was the start of another reinvention of myself.  I can remember how this moment made me feel....ALIVE. EXCITED.  HOPEFUL.  BEAUTIFUL.

But if you asked me today what I see when I look in that picture?

Don't get me wrong it's one of my favorite pictures from the event.  But what I say out loud to people about that picture and what I believe deep deep down are two totally different things.

My self talk goes like this:

You are fat.
You should've put your flowers down lower to hide your stomach.
Your daughter is 6 and you still have your baby belly. What is wrong with you?
You are fat. Why can't you stay on your meal plan? What is wrong with you that you can't stay on track?
You don't work hard enough on yourself.
You did this to yourself when you stopped being as committed to crossfit
You should photoshop that picture so you look thinner
Is that muscle or fat on my arms?
Ugh. Swimmer boobs. And there was extra help in my bra. And it's still not enough.
You should've bought the spanx even though you couldn't breathe and felt fake

We are our own worst critics.

I am aware that I am not talking to myself like I would talk to a friend.

My "inner critic" (who I've named Carol) is on one shoulder saying all these negative things.

My Logical and Rational Advocate (she needs a name! She's the best!) is on the other shoulder saying "You logically know these are not rational thoughts. Stop it!"

But Carol is louder, telling me the worst things. Repeatedly.  She loops and talks those talks 3x more than my Logical and Rational Advocate. And if I don't write about it, Carol's voice will continue to get louder every day until it consumes all of my thoughts.

Think Positive.

I'm a (converted) believer in looking myself in the mirror and speaking affirmations (and I confess they still feel hokey sometimes).  I'm a believer in thinking positive and believing in yourself and having the power to make changes in things I don't like. I BELIEVE that I can make mistakes, and learn from them and grow. That the only person that holds me back is myself, and I BELIEVE, deep down, that I can be better every day, and that being positive vs negative is part of the journey.

 I read a blog post by Coach Christen Shefchunas a few weeks ago about positive self-talk. And she hit the nail on the head.

"I think we have been so confused on this whole idea of thinking positive. The reality is that we don’t have a switch that we can flip and suddenly be joyful and cheerful and feel like life is grand. We are allowed to be positive, but real...

...There’s that “down deep” that keeps coming up in my conversations with women. Here’s the reality of being a woman; we cannot con ourselves into believing things, because our “down deep” will always let us know our truth. I say “our truth” because sometimes OUR truth and THE truth are not the same...

...For a woman, thinking positive and positive self talk must be believable. It must be real."

Here's the reality of being a woman; we cannot con ourselves into believing things, because our "down deep" will always let us know our truth.  I say "our truth" because sometimes OUR truth and THE truth are not the same."

Those two sentences deserve highlighting, printing out, writing on a poster, and screaming from the rooftops.  

Because that is the reality women live in each and every day.  (Maybe men do, too, but I don't know)  Especially, I think, women and body image, and ESPECIALLY bodies after having a baby.  Things don't go back to the way they were, for ANY woman. 

OUR truth and THE truth are not the same.

The first time I can really remember this as a concrete example, I experienced this in college.  My first year at BW I had my sights set on a NCAA National Cut.  I didn't get achieve it, and normally I have the resiliency to stand back up and try it again.

Each and every year during pre-season goal setting, I dutifully wrote: "Make my national cut" at the top of my goal list.  And all the steps lined out to achieve that goal.  But you know the one thing that I never told anyone? I never...and I mean, NEVER EVER believed after that first year I could do it.  I didn't BELIEVE that I had it in me anymore to chase that dream.

I wish my coach had asked me "Is this what you really want?"
The answer would have been "Yes" because that's what I know he wanted to hear.

But I wished he had looked me in the eye and said "Do you know what this is going to take? Are you REALLY SURE you want this? The sacrifice, the extra workouts outside the pool, the nutrition we need to follow..."

Because if he had asked THAT question,  I think this part of the story would have ended differently.  I would've said "Well.....acccccctually...." (and probably started bawling) and I bet I would have had a more successful last two years of my college career because I would have set achievable goals that matched my belief system, or we could have worked on my belief system to help me achieve that national cut.  Either way the outcome would have been different.

There's a difference in knowing you can achieve something and truly dedicating yourself to achieve that goal.  I know the difference.  I wanted to make state my senior year in high school and I DID. I know what it takes. I know what it took to lose 20 lbs after my freshman year of college after not swimming, to train every day, and to swim the fastest I have ever been in my life.  The extra workouts during my first year at BW--leaving a 2.5 hour practice, eating dinner with my teammates and then heading back to the gym for another 1.5 hour workout.  I was in the BEST shape of my life. And it still wasn't enough.

I don't know what happened after that year. I don't know what changed. I still don't.  But as a wise(r) adult, I can look back now and say this:

The reality was, MY truth was different than THE truth.  And it comes down to this: I no longer believed it.

THE TRUTH

So back to the picture

THE truth is that ... that picture above is a culmination of 7 years of hard work on myself both physically and mentally.

THE truth is that this picture should commemorate the decision I made to honor myself by refusing to accept a partner who was less than I deserve.  

But...

What you don't see in that picture is all I have had to overcome in the past 7 years to get to this moment.  I survived an unplanned pregnancy, relinquishing a child in an adoption plan (and dealing with all THOSE emotions...wait, learning I HAD emotions).  Being so poor I couldn't afford to pay rent AND eat, a business being $12,000 in debt.  An emotionally abusive relationship.  Being really really heavy (almost 260 lbs and at least a size 18, probably a size 20.) Being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that some days leaves me laying flat on my back, utterly exhausted, and other days so hyper I can't focus. Oh, and that autoimmune disorder makes losing weight 5x more difficult than a typical person and gaining weight 10x easier than a normal person.  Hating my body after pregnancy and just wanting to be able to walk into Old Navy and put on a pair of size 12 jeans and not have a muffin top flopping over the top.

What you don't see in that picture is all the work I have done to bring myself back from my rock bottom 7 years ago.  The countless hours I spent reading books about why I kept choosing such horrible boys to be partners.  The countless hours I spent in the gym, cooking healthy food, not touching alcohol, staying away from grains, learning to eat without gluten, saying no to social events that could send me spiraling back into who I didn't want to be anymore, and losing over 60 pounds.  The joy I felt the first time I realized I was able to SHOP IN NORMAL STORES again.

What you don't see in that picture is that, although I've put on about 5 of those 60 pounds back on, over the past year as my life has shifted from a CrossFit-driven life to a life where my career is FINALLY COMING TOGETHER, I have managed to keep the weight off and maintain a weight where I generally feel comfortable day-to-day. The fact that I CAN STILL WALK INTO OLD NAVY AND BUY A SIZE 12 PANT AND NOT HAVE TO TRY IT ON.

What you don't see in that picture is a compassionate-more self aware-acknowledging and dealing with her emotions-Caroline who is a proponent of her own self-care. You don't see that I now am getting 8 hours of sleep almost EVERY single night.  The boundaries I have set for my personal life, my professional life, and the relationships I have ended to be a better version of myself. The fact I eat mostly healthy, especially compared to the general American population. The self care of seeing a therapist bi-weekly to help me figure out what makes me tick and helping me gain a better understanding of myself, my emotions and hopefully, Carol.

What you don't see in that picture is all the work I put in behind the scenes get to that moment that picture commemorates.

MY truth

And MY truth is, at this moment, in this awful place of "suck" I am sitting,  is that if you took the four paragraphs above that start with "What you don't see" and changed the word "you" to "I" it would be exactly true.

What I don't see in that picture is all the work I put in behind the scenes get to that moment that picture commemorates.

and MY truth is that ... 

What I don't BELIEVE, down deep, is that I am worthy of what that picture SHOULD represent.

But what I do believe, DOWN DEEP is that there's more work to be done on Caroline and that I am capable of doing that work to be another version of myself.... A better one than the woman that writes this today.

And My truth is that someday I hope that when I look at the picture above, is that I feel worthy of  the life I have with the partner I have, with the body I have, with the health I have, with the strength my challenges have given me.