This past weekend I spent immersed in another birthmom retreat. The day after is always just so utterly exhausting. Those of you that really know me know I am not a fan of feelings (Except when they remind me I'm not a sociopath) and I don't like feelings because they DRAIN ME. Hardcore. It can take me days to recover from emotionally draining experiences. Today is one of them. So today, I give myself permission to feel all the feels. To be vulnerable and open and honest. To get it out, because, damnit, this deserves to be spoken into the world.
When I write it helps me process the things I'm feeling. To give the swirling emotions a place to land. What you see when you read this is hours of writing, deleting, moving things around... over the course of two days. Writing a sentence or two at the bottom and bringing it back up later and adding more. Giving those feelings a place to live..even more importantly…. .giving them a home.
And having the courage to let the rest of the world see the soft side of me that I like to keep hidden from the rest of the world, because I never want people to think I'm weak.
What I know now is that showing my soft side not only strengthens me but it strengthens others. It builds trust. It builds community. It creates a tribe of women with shared experiences so that no one feels alone no this journey we call life. But that's still hard. It's scary to be vulnerable and put your feelings out there. People can be really really cruel when you take a risk to speak your truth. But I've found that that the living a life of vulnerability ALWAYS pays off. You may not know is when you reveal that vulnerable thing, and the reception you get when you reveal that vulnerable thing may not be the result you want, but its ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS exactly the thing you need.
For some reason, those numbers like 5, or 10, or 20...they make us pause and reflect about the work you've been doing, the life you're living, and who you are at the core because of those choices. I haven't been able to stop thinking about my adoption journey since: (here comes a traditional Caroline bullet point list)
terrible uneducated social worker at Catholic Children's Charities that shamed me in under 10 seconds for researching adoption options when faced with in an unplanned pregnancy.
Because, at that moment, that was the first moment I said "NO" to something that felt wrong and stood up for the relationship my daughter and I could have regardless of how society viewed it. I can say looking back that was the moment I became a mother--that moment when I said "thanks for your information" and hung up the phone, because I knew that even if I wasn't ready to parent, that telling me I couldn't ever see my child if I chose adoption was WRONG.
Even though I didn't have the words for it at the time, it was the first time I said to the world
You know... that moment when you make that call and explain your situation to someone you don't even know takes a LOT of vulnerability and courage. It takes a really really really strong woman to be that vulnerable.
I wish that first social worker at Catholic Children's Charities knew how much her words destroyed the vulnerability I entrusted her with. In the beginning she pissed me off… but at this point in my journey, I would want to bring her into the folds of our world and show her how responding with empathy, kindness, and compassion can resonate in this little piece of the world. To show her how responding with shame and guilt can send a woman into a downward spiral of loathing and hatred that takes YEARS to dig out of, and sometimes, tragically, ends in drug addiction and sometimes even suicide. How a few words switched out for better words and spoken with a different tone could mean changing the world to be a better place.
Luckily for me, getting me pissed off usually leads to me being brave. I remember being so pissed at that CCC social worker that I thought “'How dare she say I can't ever see my daughter again. I KNOW OPEN ADOPTION EXISTS and I will find an agency that believes in it."
few thousand times in about a 3-hour time span. A local agency in Cuyahoga Falls, they were relatively close geographically. I was desperate for someone to talk to me about this thing I thought I wanted for my child. My social worker, Abigail finally was in the office and took my call. (confusing, since my daughter is also named Abby, and I will differentiate by using Abigail for my social worker and Abby for my daughter) I don't remember a lot around this time--Pregnancy brain is a real thing-but I know that her compassion and kindness probably saved Abby's life....and mine.
And what I didn't know then was that moment meant ended up being was a catalyst to the rest of my life. A catalyst for self-discovery, painful AND necessary growth, and embracing the "soft" sides of me that I kept hidden below the surface for far too long. That the social worker, Sarah, who was new at Caring for Kids and learning learned right alongside us as we all fell into this constellation of the adoption world and would become such an incredible advocate for birthmoms everywhere. That Lori, now a close friend and someone I share a passion for otherness and braving to change the adoption culture, would take Abigail's place as a social worker when Abigail left the agency to be a full-time mom. That signing those papers in February of 2012 would lead to all of THIS.
7 months after having Abby, Caring for Kids sent me to a retreat in Michigan City, Indiana, created by the On Your Feet Foundation. I didn't know then what I do now, but I remember coming home from retreat and Sarah asking me how it was and I said "Stupid. I was stuck in a house with 22 women and half of them were annoying teenagers. I'm never doing this again."
Well, we know how this story turns out, huh? I've been two two more of their retreats. I've learned how to advocate for personal space in a house full of women, heck I’ve learned to just BE around 22 women and not feel like the world is shrinking. I've learned a group of women can do incredible things. I'm so grateful for our house-mom Amy, that first retreat, when she let me stay in the kitchen and help her prepare dinner. I made meaningful, genuine connection with her that day, and probably the sole reason I went back again. And always sleep in the same room, in the same bed, that has lots of privacy.
The second time I went to an OYFF retreat, I took 2 other birthmoms with me. There's just so many barriers to getting women in a car and getting somewhere 6 hours away. The cost of gas, the tolls, the missing work...... My friend and now social-worker at Caring for Kids, Lori, also got to experience an OYFF retreat separately. I KNEW we needed to do this here. Lori got CFK to make it happen. Without Jill Davie’s willingness to say “lets make it happen” I wouldn’t be writing this today. CFK involved me in every step-that's when I got to know Lori--driving around in a car crammed with women checking out places we could potentially hold a retreat. I still had no idea even then it would turn into THIS.
And just a side note here....and this is SO SO SO important especially to the women reading this(and the men that support them or employ women ) CFK advocated for my work on this with compensation from day one. I can’t even begin to explain to you how getting paid to do this work helped dig me out of a financial hole that an unplanned pregnancy cost me. Too much in this world women freely give their time and efforts away without asking for adequate compensation.
Jill, I want to personally thank you today for being the first step in helping me define my worth with a dollar amount. No crazy ideas here, it’s non profit work and it’s not like anyone is making millions…. but I want you all to understand that without Jill insisting I get paid for my work, I wouldn’t have the courage to demand adequate compensation for myself in other arenas in my life today. Doing good work, even in the non-profit world, doesn’t mean a vow of poverty, and EVERY woman has the right to make a living that provides her with a stable home and living expenses regardless of the support of a man (or partner of whatever gender pronouns you prefer!).
Back to retreats. In the spring of 2014, we had our first retreat at these cabins in the Mohican forest. It was muddy. Fires wouldn't light. You could hear a pin drop as we shared a meal together. It was awkward and so uncomfortable and really freaking difficult. But we did it! And we did another. And another.
And now, we've finished five years of them. This retreat-the same dinner that 5 years prior you could hear a pin drop and FEEL the discomfort...well, this retreat was filled with so much family and community and love that I laughed so hard I cried at dinner on the first night. I'm a pretty serious person and it takes A LOT for me to laugh that hard. That's what this tribe of women can do--they can listen to me worry that my adoption will be closed some day, AND make me lose my seriousness to the point of breathlessness, tears, and peals of laughter. All in the same hour.
I got to speak with Lori in 2016 at a National Conference about these retreats that provide much needed post-placement care. I FREAKING SPOKE AT A NATIONAL CONFERENCE PEOPLE. We have our groove and our own little way of running retreats. We first modeled them after OYFF birthmother retreats, but they've evolved into something of their own. They have their own flow. And I still need those OYFF birthmom retreats from time to time to help me have time to grow, and those woman are a piece of this tribe.
We have a fantastic team of facilitators. There's me, who just gets so friggin psyched about teaching women to discover WHO THEY ARE deep down and to be that woman, you know, with logic... and the ability to present their problem back to them with a different perspective. There's Lori Coffey Scobee who provides such a much needed connection for the closed adoption era, as well as insight to the adoption world from a social worker's perspective, and she does some good "momming" to these young ladies, too. There's Lauren Pappas, who connects in a friendship type way with so many of the women. And last but not least, China Darrington, whose own life experiences and perspective reach so many different walks of women--and she is living proof you can change your life path and be the woman you were supposed to become and that it’s never too late.
There's the women who I see once and never see again, and I think of them from time to time and hope they're doing OK in the journey wherever they are in it. There's women we see each and every year and watching them grow and evolve is incredible. There's women we see once, and then they show back up a few years later, in a different set of life circumstances, but back with a tribe of women that “get it”.
There's women who were parents before making an adoption plan, became parents after making an adoption plan, women who never parent, women who parent sandwiched between adoption plans. But most importantly those adoption plans don’t define these women.
What defines these women is their love and bravery. Their love so great for a child it means putting that child's ENTIRE LIFE ahead of their own desires for motherhood. Their bravery is facing their grief, head on. Their bravery is accepting their otherness and their love makes them determined to rise. They’re all women who use their womanhood to lift up others. It's incredible to be part of this TRIBE. That loves you, not inspite of your otherness, but BECAUSE of it.
I have made some of the closest friends BECAUSE of this journey. The most incredible women I NEVER would have met.
My friend Margot, who I called when I made a giant mistake with work and she doesn't sugarcoat shit. "You fucked up. I'm not going to sugarcoat it" She told me. "Now, how do you fix it?" I am not sure she ever can understand having someone not sugarcoat me at that time meant to me...I hate when women aren't truthful because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Look, I know you're sugarcoating, I can feel it in my gut. Just be honest. My f-up may not be the whole piece of the pie, but it's part of it. Let's acknowledge that, and then, get to work changing the world to be better from this new place we stand. Margot does that for me. If you don’t have a woman in your life that does that for you… get one. Immediately.
Or Lori, who constantly reminds me I am not responsible for the reactions of others when I am being myself and staying true to myself. And she's right. I may be upset at how they react, but that feeling is never as bad as if I hadn't said what needed said in the best way possible way that I can word it. Because living as someone you're not is far worse than having your feelings hurt for 15 seconds.
And that’s just the start. These are incredible, incredible women who are so much more than the label birthmom.
At first, I thought my arena was the world of competitive swimming. I thought that this birthmom work ADDED to that. But it turns out, it was the other way around. My arena is the the FEMALE arena, and swimming just happened to be a step along the way. It's so weird that in a world where I grew up my best friends were guys that it turns out my strength is women. I trained with men in swimming, and I compete with them at Crossfit. They've always been the place I gravitate towards because their life is full of logic and straight-up real talk. But then... one day you look around and realize your tribe is women. How does that happen???
And instead of looking around, fearful, you say "Bring it on!" I can tell you I NEVER felt that confidence in the swim arena. I always felt “less than” and the feeling all the time time of “Otherness”. But here... surrounded by so many incredible women both involved and outside of the adoption constellation, I finally feel home.
Listen, I don't need the outside world's approval to know this work matters. I see it, and most importantly, I FEEL it in my core. The tug was so strong during the closing ceremony when I looked around at this incredible group of women. A mixed group of women of different skin colors, ethnicities, and economic backgrounds. Reflecting on 5 years of work with women, who have in turn, uplifted others.
If you can imagine dropping a rock into the water, and the ripples that come from that. And each overlapping ripple coming from a stone is from another birthmom.. We are one, birthmoms...all part of that great body of water that will rise and swell, ebb and flow. And will, eventually, because of the sun and wind that will take us from that water….end up watering the seeds we were buried as...and we will grow into strong women. All because they tried to bury us...but we were seeds.
When I write it helps me process the things I'm feeling. To give the swirling emotions a place to land. What you see when you read this is hours of writing, deleting, moving things around... over the course of two days. Writing a sentence or two at the bottom and bringing it back up later and adding more. Giving those feelings a place to live..even more importantly…. .giving them a home.
And having the courage to let the rest of the world see the soft side of me that I like to keep hidden from the rest of the world, because I never want people to think I'm weak.
What I know now is that showing my soft side not only strengthens me but it strengthens others. It builds trust. It builds community. It creates a tribe of women with shared experiences so that no one feels alone no this journey we call life. But that's still hard. It's scary to be vulnerable and put your feelings out there. People can be really really cruel when you take a risk to speak your truth. But I've found that that the living a life of vulnerability ALWAYS pays off. You may not know is when you reveal that vulnerable thing, and the reception you get when you reveal that vulnerable thing may not be the result you want, but its ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS exactly the thing you need.
A reflection of 5 years.
This past retreat marked the 5th full year of retreats I have helped facilitate.For some reason, those numbers like 5, or 10, or 20...they make us pause and reflect about the work you've been doing, the life you're living, and who you are at the core because of those choices. I haven't been able to stop thinking about my adoption journey since: (here comes a traditional Caroline bullet point list)
- Friday morning when I was dancing and singing around the house in my underwear to 90's pop (apologizes to my kitty cat who was....less impressed with my skills and hid under the bed) and I was SO EXCITED TO GO TO RETREAT and reconnect with veteran women and meet all the new moms coming.
- To when I reached out to a high school classmate Friday morning who is a fairly new adoptive mom in an open adoption and we shared a conversation about fears in openness (holy vulnerability and seriously empowering!) and I got to connect her with another local adoptive mom I know that embraces openness in all it's messiness.
- Friday night when I started my story with (summarizing....) "My story is a little different. I was 29, faced with an unplanned pregnancy and came to the realization that while I was old enough to parent, I still didn't want to be one" and NOT ONE WOMAN looked at me with a judgemental response (always scary to admit in a room full of women, and I remember when I hid that part of my story because I didn't want to be judged negatively for it)
- Reflecting that SEVEN YEARS AGO this past weekend I had my ultrasound and found out that Abby was a girl, AND met her adoptive parents AND closed down starbucks with them better than I've EVER closed down a bar.
- Saturday at my nephew's 2nd birthday party when I reflected on the first time after making an adoption plan I felt so "OTHER" around my extended family because no one knew how to navigate this open adoption messiness and it felt like ALL i was being defined as was "Birthmother", and now it's just a piece of who I am and no longer defines ALL of me.
- Saturday when I was at my nephew's 2nd birthday party and I felt the emptiness of not being around my tribe during such a sacred weekend. I went to my nephew’s party with the intent to be fully immersed in the event, but my heart wasn’t there. It was back with those women who “get it” . That that "otherness" that used to make me feel like I didn't belong has turned into a place where I fit. Where my 'otherness' is embraced and sometimes even like...Cool. Where my 'otherness' is seen as a gift and women there love me for exactly who I am at that point in my life, not who they wished I was.
- Saturday at dinner listening to all the women bond. Reflecting on how welcomed the new moms were into our tribe, how it felt the first time I went to a retreat with On Your Feet Foundation and how terrified I was my first time and that Amy let me help her cook in the kitchen because I needed to recharge my batteries and form a more meaningful bond. And the other 2 OYFF retreats I attended, especially the one in Spring of 2016 when they dumped "Loving Yourself" and backed it up with RESEARCH from Brene Brown and how much in two years those 72 hours have CHANGED MY LIFE in more ways than I can express
- How, when, on Saturday night at 9:00 when I said "Goodnight ladies" and was promptly in a sleep coma by 9:02, the veterans say "Caroline never plays cards against humanity with us, she always goes to bed early because she's used up all her energy helping us today". That's just who I am and that is accepted there. Man, is that good stuff. (and its always my goal to make it past 9 pm and no matter how much napping I do saturday afternoon I just can't make it.)
- Sunday during closing ceremonies, totally reflecting on how the past 5 year of facilitating retreats has impacted my life in SO MANY WAYS. How becoming a different type of mother than a traditional one has become a catalyst to so much self-discovery and growth and healing and enlightenment.
- Sunday during closing ceremonies, realizing how much this work has spiderwebbed into the adoption world, affecting both agencies, expectant moms, birthmoms, social workers, and how those that work in adoption that have embraced what we say have made a change in the way they work and care for birthmoms post and after placement.
Becoming another type of mother.
I will be eternally grateful for thatBecause, at that moment, that was the first moment I said "NO" to something that felt wrong and stood up for the relationship my daughter and I could have regardless of how society viewed it. I can say looking back that was the moment I became a mother--that moment when I said "thanks for your information" and hung up the phone, because I knew that even if I wasn't ready to parent, that telling me I couldn't ever see my child if I chose adoption was WRONG.
Even though I didn't have the words for it at the time, it was the first time I said to the world
"It is NOT wrong for me to want a relationship with my child that I am not ready to parent and you will not shame me for that choice."That, to me, is what good mothers all over the world do: They make the best choices possible for their children--from the moment they discover they are pregnant, until their child is no longer living under their roof. For most mothers, that journey lasts 18+ years. Mine just happened to be shorter.
You know... that moment when you make that call and explain your situation to someone you don't even know takes a LOT of vulnerability and courage. It takes a really really really strong woman to be that vulnerable.
I wish that first social worker at Catholic Children's Charities knew how much her words destroyed the vulnerability I entrusted her with. In the beginning she pissed me off… but at this point in my journey, I would want to bring her into the folds of our world and show her how responding with empathy, kindness, and compassion can resonate in this little piece of the world. To show her how responding with shame and guilt can send a woman into a downward spiral of loathing and hatred that takes YEARS to dig out of, and sometimes, tragically, ends in drug addiction and sometimes even suicide. How a few words switched out for better words and spoken with a different tone could mean changing the world to be a better place.
Luckily for me, getting me pissed off usually leads to me being brave. I remember being so pissed at that CCC social worker that I thought “'How dare she say I can't ever see my daughter again. I KNOW OPEN ADOPTION EXISTS and I will find an agency that believes in it."
An Unknown Catalyst.
A quick google search after hanging up with the first social worker led me to calling to me picking up that phone and calling Caring for Kids, aAnd what I didn't know then was that moment meant ended up being was a catalyst to the rest of my life. A catalyst for self-discovery, painful AND necessary growth, and embracing the "soft" sides of me that I kept hidden below the surface for far too long. That the social worker, Sarah, who was new at Caring for Kids and learning learned right alongside us as we all fell into this constellation of the adoption world and would become such an incredible advocate for birthmoms everywhere. That Lori, now a close friend and someone I share a passion for otherness and braving to change the adoption culture, would take Abigail's place as a social worker when Abigail left the agency to be a full-time mom. That signing those papers in February of 2012 would lead to all of THIS.
7 months after having Abby, Caring for Kids sent me to a retreat in Michigan City, Indiana, created by the On Your Feet Foundation. I didn't know then what I do now, but I remember coming home from retreat and Sarah asking me how it was and I said "Stupid. I was stuck in a house with 22 women and half of them were annoying teenagers. I'm never doing this again."
Well, we know how this story turns out, huh? I've been two two more of their retreats. I've learned how to advocate for personal space in a house full of women, heck I’ve learned to just BE around 22 women and not feel like the world is shrinking. I've learned a group of women can do incredible things. I'm so grateful for our house-mom Amy, that first retreat, when she let me stay in the kitchen and help her prepare dinner. I made meaningful, genuine connection with her that day, and probably the sole reason I went back again. And always sleep in the same room, in the same bed, that has lots of privacy.
The second time I went to an OYFF retreat, I took 2 other birthmoms with me. There's just so many barriers to getting women in a car and getting somewhere 6 hours away. The cost of gas, the tolls, the missing work...... My friend and now social-worker at Caring for Kids, Lori, also got to experience an OYFF retreat separately. I KNEW we needed to do this here. Lori got CFK to make it happen. Without Jill Davie’s willingness to say “lets make it happen” I wouldn’t be writing this today. CFK involved me in every step-that's when I got to know Lori--driving around in a car crammed with women checking out places we could potentially hold a retreat. I still had no idea even then it would turn into THIS.
And just a side note here....and this is SO SO SO important especially to the women reading this(and the men that support them or employ women ) CFK advocated for my work on this with compensation from day one. I can’t even begin to explain to you how getting paid to do this work helped dig me out of a financial hole that an unplanned pregnancy cost me. Too much in this world women freely give their time and efforts away without asking for adequate compensation.
Jill, I want to personally thank you today for being the first step in helping me define my worth with a dollar amount. No crazy ideas here, it’s non profit work and it’s not like anyone is making millions…. but I want you all to understand that without Jill insisting I get paid for my work, I wouldn’t have the courage to demand adequate compensation for myself in other arenas in my life today. Doing good work, even in the non-profit world, doesn’t mean a vow of poverty, and EVERY woman has the right to make a living that provides her with a stable home and living expenses regardless of the support of a man (or partner of whatever gender pronouns you prefer!).
Back to retreats. In the spring of 2014, we had our first retreat at these cabins in the Mohican forest. It was muddy. Fires wouldn't light. You could hear a pin drop as we shared a meal together. It was awkward and so uncomfortable and really freaking difficult. But we did it! And we did another. And another.
And now, we've finished five years of them. This retreat-the same dinner that 5 years prior you could hear a pin drop and FEEL the discomfort...well, this retreat was filled with so much family and community and love that I laughed so hard I cried at dinner on the first night. I'm a pretty serious person and it takes A LOT for me to laugh that hard. That's what this tribe of women can do--they can listen to me worry that my adoption will be closed some day, AND make me lose my seriousness to the point of breathlessness, tears, and peals of laughter. All in the same hour.
This is US.
We're now “Caring for Birthmothers” and under the umbrella of Caring for Kids. We now provide three weekend retreats each year (sponsored by an amazing Akron group WITAN --so that no woman ever cannot afford to attend), pizza meet-ups in Akron, Columbus, (and in 2019 fingers crossed for Youngstown!) , holiday parties, and online support groups for women.I got to speak with Lori in 2016 at a National Conference about these retreats that provide much needed post-placement care. I FREAKING SPOKE AT A NATIONAL CONFERENCE PEOPLE. We have our groove and our own little way of running retreats. We first modeled them after OYFF birthmother retreats, but they've evolved into something of their own. They have their own flow. And I still need those OYFF birthmom retreats from time to time to help me have time to grow, and those woman are a piece of this tribe.
We have a fantastic team of facilitators. There's me, who just gets so friggin psyched about teaching women to discover WHO THEY ARE deep down and to be that woman, you know, with logic... and the ability to present their problem back to them with a different perspective. There's Lori Coffey Scobee who provides such a much needed connection for the closed adoption era, as well as insight to the adoption world from a social worker's perspective, and she does some good "momming" to these young ladies, too. There's Lauren Pappas, who connects in a friendship type way with so many of the women. And last but not least, China Darrington, whose own life experiences and perspective reach so many different walks of women--and she is living proof you can change your life path and be the woman you were supposed to become and that it’s never too late.
There's the women who I see once and never see again, and I think of them from time to time and hope they're doing OK in the journey wherever they are in it. There's women we see each and every year and watching them grow and evolve is incredible. There's women we see once, and then they show back up a few years later, in a different set of life circumstances, but back with a tribe of women that “get it”.
There's women who were parents before making an adoption plan, became parents after making an adoption plan, women who never parent, women who parent sandwiched between adoption plans. But most importantly those adoption plans don’t define these women.
What defines these women is their love and bravery. Their love so great for a child it means putting that child's ENTIRE LIFE ahead of their own desires for motherhood. Their bravery is facing their grief, head on. Their bravery is accepting their otherness and their love makes them determined to rise. They’re all women who use their womanhood to lift up others. It's incredible to be part of this TRIBE. That loves you, not inspite of your otherness, but BECAUSE of it.
The Gift of Friendship
I have made some of the closest friends BECAUSE of this journey. The most incredible women I NEVER would have met.
My friend Margot, who I called when I made a giant mistake with work and she doesn't sugarcoat shit. "You fucked up. I'm not going to sugarcoat it" She told me. "Now, how do you fix it?" I am not sure she ever can understand having someone not sugarcoat me at that time meant to me...I hate when women aren't truthful because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Look, I know you're sugarcoating, I can feel it in my gut. Just be honest. My f-up may not be the whole piece of the pie, but it's part of it. Let's acknowledge that, and then, get to work changing the world to be better from this new place we stand. Margot does that for me. If you don’t have a woman in your life that does that for you… get one. Immediately.
Or Lori, who constantly reminds me I am not responsible for the reactions of others when I am being myself and staying true to myself. And she's right. I may be upset at how they react, but that feeling is never as bad as if I hadn't said what needed said in the best way possible way that I can word it. Because living as someone you're not is far worse than having your feelings hurt for 15 seconds.
And that’s just the start. These are incredible, incredible women who are so much more than the label birthmom.
A new arena
In this world, I feel compelled more and more each day to lead other women to their own definition of greatness. There is no one way to be an incredible woman. The media wants us to believe it’s looks and how we act and our weight that defines our quality of womanness. I call bullshit. You know who decided that? Yep. Not women. F-that. The reality is the most incredible women I know have messy lives with a myriad of mistakes in their wake. Because you know what mistakes mean? That you took risks. And there is no greater place to take a risk than in a tribe of women that will support you, and sometimes reach their hand back to pull you up, again (and sometimes again, and again).At first, I thought my arena was the world of competitive swimming. I thought that this birthmom work ADDED to that. But it turns out, it was the other way around. My arena is the the FEMALE arena, and swimming just happened to be a step along the way. It's so weird that in a world where I grew up my best friends were guys that it turns out my strength is women. I trained with men in swimming, and I compete with them at Crossfit. They've always been the place I gravitate towards because their life is full of logic and straight-up real talk. But then... one day you look around and realize your tribe is women. How does that happen???
And instead of looking around, fearful, you say "Bring it on!" I can tell you I NEVER felt that confidence in the swim arena. I always felt “less than” and the feeling all the time time of “Otherness”. But here... surrounded by so many incredible women both involved and outside of the adoption constellation, I finally feel home.
This work matters.
This final retreat of 2018 I had to leave mid-retreat to drop in on my nephew's birthday party, and my dad asked me "do you think these retreats really help?" And I said, "Yes, Dad, they do. In fact this is some of my work that I am most proud of in my life". I don’t know if I’ve ever said that out loud. How important this work is to me, at my core. I don’t even know if I knew until recently. And then, my Dad, well…. he nodded, ever so slightly in approval.Listen, I don't need the outside world's approval to know this work matters. I see it, and most importantly, I FEEL it in my core. The tug was so strong during the closing ceremony when I looked around at this incredible group of women. A mixed group of women of different skin colors, ethnicities, and economic backgrounds. Reflecting on 5 years of work with women, who have in turn, uplifted others.
If you can imagine dropping a rock into the water, and the ripples that come from that. And each overlapping ripple coming from a stone is from another birthmom.. We are one, birthmoms...all part of that great body of water that will rise and swell, ebb and flow. And will, eventually, because of the sun and wind that will take us from that water….end up watering the seeds we were buried as...and we will grow into strong women. All because they tried to bury us...but we were seeds.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt
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