Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost track. The moments that string together retreat to retreat have started to run from individual snapshots of memories into a blended, blurry image where a simple glance makes you feel the completeness of community, growth, and complete wholeness.
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Yet as all these moments churn together, they never fail to have an aftermath that is so memorable that it shocks me with its uniqueness each and every time. It’s so routine I’ve come to expect the shock, but am always blown away by the freshness of it each time. Always the same, and yet, somehow…..
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somehow complete anew.
It’s always in the Monday morning after, as I sit wide awake, as I sit in the stillness of the early morning hours– in the stillness of the quiet utter darkness that happens just as the night starts to lighten– that’s when it happens.
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My soul explodes.
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She overflows my heart and floods through every cell of my body, sometimes spilling from my eyes.
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And the embodiment of fulfillment of that moment is as deep as the still, uncharted depths of our oceans.
We tend to associate the deep depths of the ocean with fear of the unknown; the utter stillness; blackness, quietness, and aloneness in the world conjure up …
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fear…
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But my soul tells me that
The deepness of the depths of the ocean in the blackest unknown is where our truest self lies.
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When I close my eyes and let the images in my brain take me to the safest place, it is here.
The deepness of the depths of the ocean
In the blackest unknown.
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In this infinite space.
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In this infinite, depthless space.
I lose sense of my surroundings and body as I travel to this space.
The everyday noise of modern life slowly fades away and instead there is ….nothing. No annoying underlying hum of the electricity of everyday things, stealing silence from our existence. No incessant chatter of pointless sports commentators chattering about the nothingness endlessly on the tv, no barking dogs breaking the stillness of the morning as wildlife gently stirs back to life.
The world in these moments does not wake.
It’s just…utterly….
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utterly silent.
All I can hear is the silence of the inner workings of my own lungs, breathing rhythmically as I take deep, slow, calm breaths.
The water down this deep has no salty taste; it’s taste is the most pure form of water and tastes exactly as water should. It is a perfectly balanced blend of the earth’s most precious minerals. Cold. Crisp. Utterly perfect.
I can feel the world of soft and rough and firm and patterns-
the feeling of textiles that permeates our clothing-we put between our skin and the world around us-
the barriers between us and everyday life slip away-
even the carpet is no longer between my toes.
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And instead feel the deep pressure of water–
the perfect amount of pressure surrounding you in a cocoon of soft, gentle, rolling safety–
suspended in only your own skin–
as the darkness slides into my vision and the everyday world disappears into the darkness.
The more I allow myself to slide into this space, the more I embrace the cool comfort of the darkness.
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The more awareness that all I can see is a nothing at all
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the darkness transforms into a cocoon that encircles itself around me, holding me tight.
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Then, and only then, can I hear her visceral tug that says, “this.”
And she tugs a little more until you hear her whisper,
“THIS!”
with such urgency and authority you can’t help but hear her
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in
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your
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bones.
She’s the voice you can’t argue away with logic.
She’s the voice of knowing.
Because she is truth.
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You can’t shake her voice.
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She whispers to you over and over
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And when you hear her
You can’t unknow.
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You can’t unknow-
The deepest truths of your soul.
The deepest soul of your truths.-
That voice is you.
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Hearing that voice is the feeling you get when on the top of a mountain, staring at a billion stars in awe; realizing for the first time how big the universe is.
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It’s THAT feeling, but with the blackest darkness and magnified brightness brighter than the brightest star in the sky 1 million times over. It explodes through your being and there is nothing you can do to undo the knowing you now have.
The knowing that she gifted you.
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She speaks your truth
And gifts you calm
The calm of certainty of truth
The calm of certainty of You.
And that certainty of knowing brings a sense of enveloping peace that explodes all at once into more than you can comprehend.
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The knowing is now your bones.
She is now flowing in your blood.
Your cells.
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Your breath.
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Your truth.
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And you can only hear Her,
when you finally trust yourself enough to dive down into the depths of your soul, in the darkest corners where the light of outward influence cannot touch.
Your most authentic, vulnerable, and raw form of self.
Your truth.
She is
Suspended in the darkness of alone.
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Suspended in the darkness of silence.
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Suspended;
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floating,
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floating in this utter stillness, quiet, and darkness.
I am completely alone in this space.
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I am not lonely.
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Lonely is the space you go when you are avoiding your truest, deepest sense of self.
Alone is the space we can go only when we trust ourselves completely.
Alone is where we have the space to feel our truth.
To experience emotion–
pure and raw–
to feel Her
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without analyzing.
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without justifying.
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This is where she–your truth–she feels the most alive.
It takes courage to be in this space, to feel the inner depths–
to hear your soul speak–
–and to listen.
Gently exploring these deepest feelings of your inner being that have shaped you and defined you and allow you be ALIVE.
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In this space you just feel.
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You
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just
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feel.
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You feel EVERYTHING.
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From the gentle touch of the breeze on wet, warm skin
Its crisp coolness as your skin bristles
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To the warmth of a long, firm embrace from the person whose mear touch
quiets your racing thoughts
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It washes over you in waves, and you just exist fully engulfed in the depths of these feelings.
They aren’t washing over you.
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They
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Are
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They are-
you.
And it's safe. It’s safe because alone is where you trust yourself; if you allow yourself to trust.
The world can hurt you, and you can heal yourself if you just….trust.
And it’s the space of aloneness where we learn our truth, that finally allows us to be
To be with others.
To be
And if we can’t be alone, how can we truly be with others?
Alone is where we discover our power.
We do “lonely” to ourselves, you know.
We do it by hiding our truest version of ourselves from the world.
We do it by keeping her a secret, our truth;
terrified that if we show her to the world, she will be snatched from our us and instead put on display.
Afraid if we show the world what we know as our Truth we will no longer ‘fit’.
But what if the opposite is what we must do?
What if the only way to not be on display is to dive, heart first, straight through the fear of lonely and venture into the darkness of alone.
To not feel like a dress-up-doll in a dollhouse, being moved about like a chess piece in someone else’s life… A puppet for someone else’s gain.
What if the answer is to live each day fully; utterly raw with vulnerability and authenticity; accepting the pleasure and the disappointments as what makes us ALIVE in our Truth.
Alive and whole.
What if?
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What if we spoke what our truth knows into the world
and instead of doubt and fear
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We get exactly what She needs.
When I emerge from the infinite depth of alone, the real world returns as the darkness fades.
But what doesn’t fade is the overflowing emotion of ‘it all’:
The knowing-
the space I have helped not only envision in my brain but have nurtured slowly into a physical, living and breathing existence.
The knowing-
the space we created from our transformed pain is sometimes the first time in decades another woman feels safe enough in her own skin to peel the armor away for a brief flash of a moment, exposing her raw to the world.
A space where women can dip their toes into vulnerability, authenticity, and their truth; experimenting sometimes for the first time, with the stillness of being alone with their Truth-and the empowerment that comes from speaking her Truth into the world.
The overflowing emotions that come from supporting women who make disobedient decisions to stray from the path of patriarchal societal expectations, and instead say to the world “I am choosing what is best for my child, and that person is not me.”
…making this sacrifice while fully accepting the responsibility of it’s cost:
her own hearts.
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To have created space to express our Truth.
To be seen for more than the choices we were forced to make when life didn’t go according to plan.
For some, it’s the first time they’ve been able to whisper their truth into the world, testing out that they’re strongest when they are their most vulnerable and raw selves.
Even when it’s the tiniest voice and the whisper lasts for just a flash of a moment, only to be locked up tight again behind a wall to be protected with avoidance, humor, denial.
But she was there.
For the briefest of moments, true.
But she was there.
She saw her truth.
She was gone in a flash,
That is true.
But she was there.
For these women, this was their first taste of the truth of their wildest, truest forms of selves.
She wonders, “is this my truth”
And because you can’t turn back once you hear her,
Even if it’s only once
And even if it was just for a flash
Your truth whispers
Yes
Over and over
Louder and louder
Until you can’t help but hear her
Until you can’t help but wonder about her
Until you think you might want to visit her again
Over and over she whispers
Your truth
Louder and Louder
More often and more and more often
Until you can’t help but revisit her
This is how it is for some.
For others, they've gained strength from whispering and now speak with confidence oozing from the very places of themselves they used to hide.
Her armor is off,
And she spends her time reflecting on the times of those on the path behind her,
Remembering when she couldn’t trust the voice
Just like them
Hearing her truth was almost too much to bear.
But she’s learned to take her armor off sometimes
And while it may be off
It wasn’t that long ago she needed that armor to survive.
She trusts her truth
She can hear her more clearly each and every time
She keeps her armor off longer and longer
Because her truth keeps her safe
But the world is hard and she is still learning
So even though she trusts her truth
She still believes she must keep it protected
And she keeps her armor close by
And what she now knows is
Sometimes she still needs to control the world around her to feel safe
And for this reason and this reason alone
She keeps her armor close by.
Her armor can be assembled at a moments notice
Like a warrior called to battle
To keep her truth protected
To control the world
But more importantly
Because she trusts her truth and needs to hear her
And her armor allows protects her enough for her
It protects her enough to hear her truth over the voices of cruelty, shame, and guilt
And for the rest,
This is where the bravest demonstrate how to speak their truth in a way that will change the world.
These brave women bring the most timid gently towards the darkness of alone and hold her hand until she lets go, courageous enough to feel her own truth for the very first time.
The bravest of them all keep their hand outstretched, reaching back, saying without words
I am here when your aloneness is too much;, I will share with you until you can stand in your own aloneness without fear. I am here.
The explosion I feel the Monday after retreat isn’t even an emotion you can name. It's not sadness. It’s not grief, regret, exhaustion, or overwhelm….it’s not joy, happiness, or pride.
It is a complete and utter wholeness and knowing; my entire being flooding with complete and utter knowingness.
It’s a knowing that the trauma she never planned to have to face; the healing she should never have had to do in the first place; all of the hurt, anger, distrust, tears
Her armor as she learned to listen to Her Truth
And now because of all she has experienced,
Because of all the armor she has peeled away,
bit by bit,
She takes a deep calming breath
And as she gently exhales,
she gently sets her armor on a shelf
to watch over her.
/ /
To watch over her,
Just in case.
//
Just
in
case.
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Because while she is no longer afraid to speak her truth
She is wise
And she knows there are times her armor may be needed to remind her
Of who she is
Because she has worked
She has learned
She has tried and won
She has tried and failed
She has moved forward
She has moved back
Sometimes 2 steps forward and 3 steps back
Starting over
Re-exposing her raw self to her newest truth
And she builds herself back up
Even when she stumbles
Even when she falls because she can no longer be controlled by her own fear
So she does not control
She accepts that
The rawness of her newest stumble
Exposes more of her truth
And so she embraces the work and the rest
She embraces the mess and beauty
Because living her truth means living the uncontrolled life
And all she needs to do is trust her truth.
Because she trusts that her truth will moves her exactly into the space she needs
And keep her safe until she overflows
Raw again
And so builds herself back up
Over and over
Because she knows all she wants from this Earth
Is to spend the best of her moments
Solidly with her truth
She now knows
It was never her penance-
as she first thought-
and instead is the price for living a whole, authentic, deeply caring life.
She has worked so very very very hard
To be the truth she knows she can be.
Wild, Disobedient, Free.
Free to travel into the darkness of her alone
To not only hear her truth
But to BE
Completely
To be completely her Truth.
This work is my truth.
My truth, standing firmly with both feet on the ground
Reaching back and saying “I am here”
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