Happy first birthday to the best thing that has ever happened to me: Miss Abigail Leigh!
It's incredible to look back over a year and think about all the things you've experienced in a short 365 days. I never would be where I am today if I hadn't chose the path of an open adoption. Never in a million years, would I have expected to be a birthmother and begin to love and cherish all the small little things that being a birthmother entails. It's so challenging in today's society to put terms to the relationship I have with Abigail's parents and how grateful I am for who they are and how they raise her.
I am a positive person; I believe positive breeds positive and negative does the same. I try to stay positive. No, I do not regret my decision. Is it hard? Absolutely. I think one of the most challenging things that happens is interacting with people outside of the adoption triad. Some people ask innocent questions that can be hurtful, or say things that they don't realize cut deeper than they intended...or maybe hurt just as much as they had intended, who knows.
I think, possibly because I try to always be on the bright side of things-that maybe people don't realize how much I struggle or how difficult this is for me. Justin knows...he is by my side, everyday. Or, when people think I should be over it. Even though I made a choice-a conscious, educated, stand-on-my-own-two-feet choice, I think a lot of people don't realize that it's still a loss. Maybe I paint too much of this pretty picture of how wonderful the process is...but when you look back at it all, I couldn't imagine my life a different way.
The open adoption is healing. It can also be painful, and I feel like I owe it to the world to say this all out loud. There was this child inside me, who no matter how I tried to play it off, I cared for and loved for 10 months while she was growing. I loved her because I chose to protect her from the world, by placing her with a better family than I could give her. It probably ruined any enjoyment I will ever have from being pregnant. I hope not, but it could also be true. I see her about once a month,which is great-and I look forward to every visit. She runs to Brooke because Brooke is her mom. Brooke comforts her when she cries, and Abgail sees me and cries because she doesn't know me. If you think that doesn't hurt, well, just.... wow. Don't get me wrong, I love that Abigail is so attached to Brooke-I'm thankful they have that bond because that is something I worried about as I researched adoption--but the first time you see that it just kills you inside. I know in time it will get better, and as Abigail grows older she will get to know me and it won't be so weird anymore. There's little things that over the past year I never knew how to react to, or how to handle. It was my first Christmas as a birthmother, and its also her first birthday. I don't know how I'm going to react; how its going to make me feel, until it happens. Coming from me...the unknowing is probably one of the worst parts.
A year ago, I wrote these words:
It is amazing when you fight for something you believe in, how much simpler making the right choices becomes. They just lay themselves out in a line and making the right choice just seems obvious. Often, you look back in wonderment of all the right choices you have made, especially after you have made a lot of wrong ones in the past.
They still couldn't be more true today. That's probably one of the best things I've ever written, and I do not, at all, regret my choice.
One of my goals as part of the healing process is to educate. To educate birthmother's that how they feel is normal. To educate the public that choosing to place your child for adoption does not mean that there is not a loss. To educate that adoption isn't picture perfect; everyone involved struggles.
I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again. I would place another child for adoption if it meant it was the right decision. If I could make another family complete. All the pain, suffering, negativity--it was all worth it.
I will end my blog today with a little bit of a rant/sarcastic response/collection of comments I'd just like to....share.
A collection of comments on Open Adoption:
(My unspoken--at the time-- thoughts/responses are behind each quote in parenthesis. )- "You gave her up by choice?!?!?!" (Sigh, eye roll....let me start my story again....)
- "Why are you sad? You chose this path." (Are you F*cking kidding me?!?!)
- "That must have been hard." (Well, no shit, Sherlock. ) Side note: My typical response to this comment is "It doesn't matter how hard it was for me, it was the right choice to give her the best future she deserves."
- "Does the biological father know?" (Of course he knows. He was there when I peed on the stick and it came out with two blue lines. He was in the room when the pregnancy was confirmed with an ultrasound. He was ALSO there when I finally found him at the bar three hours after he was supposed to come over and talk about the baby. In fact, he's probably at the bar now if you'd like to go ask him if he knows....)
- "I can't believe you did that." (Really?) or "I could never do that" (You just get a blank look at this point....)
- "If you cared enough you would have found a way to keep her" (I did care. Plenty. I cared enough to realize that a cycle of abuse would continue to spiral unless I broke the cycle.)
- "That was a selfish decision". (Please, explain to me again how making a choice for someone else--putting that person's life ahead of my own, is a selfish decision.)
- "You gave up your baby because it was an inconvenience." (Oh, that's right. She was such an inconvenience I had an abortion and no one knew I was pregnant to begin with. It was so much of an inconvenience to have a lumpy body and stretch marks....including a year later. It was so much of an inconvenience that I never think of her, don't buy her presents, annual Christmas ornaments, or love her to death. That's right; I'm not part of her life, at all. Eye roll. Le-sigh.)
- "What if you want her back?" (In a perfect world, I would never have had to make the decision I did. It doesn't matter if I 'want her back', she does not legally mine to take.)
- "What if she decides she wants to live with you when she's older" or "What if she wants you to be her parent when she gets to be older" (This isn't a custody battle. She doesn't get to choose. Her parents are Brooke and Todd. Period. End. Of. Story.)
- "You made the best choice you could at the time" (Why, I certainly did. Thank you for acknowledging/confirming that tidbit of information.)
- "I'm proud of you." (Why thank you....I'm proud of me, too.)