Here I am at my most vulnerable. This is my truth, and it was my reality. And sharing certainly is scary. With much courage, here is what I refused to talk to most people about for the past year. Thank you to those who know my story and have supported me, and thank you to those who have encouraged me to share it.
My Story
On September 1, 2015 I waited 10 minutes after the garage door closed and called my dad. "Today is the day, Dad."
And then I pulled out my gun, loaded it, and had it with me until I had men in the house with me that I knew could keep me safe.
I called, texted and facebook messaged everyone I knew and could trust.
The message went something like this:
Hi! I am so sorry to bother you. I am really embarrassed, but I need help. I have found myself in an abusive relationship and I have to move out. Today. While he is at work. He can't know I'm leaving. I was wondering if you could help me. If you can, the address is .... I will be moving to ..... if there is any way you can come help me I would really appreciate it.
Many many people could not rearrange their schedules to help me, but offered words of encouragement, and checked on me throughout the day. And many people showed up to help, and some people I didn't expect that would help found ways to help. I am forever grateful for every one's time and compassion that day. I can't even begin to express how amazed I was at who was willing to help me, and how much time they gave to me that day to get me out and keep me safe.
The first thing I packed were my Christmas ornaments. I was prepared to walk out of that house with nothing except my Christmas ornaments, my cat, and the clothes that would fit into my car if I had to.
I was prepared to leave my most prized possessions-my wall of books--behind.
Together with the help of some trusted family members and friends, I moved my entire life into boxes and left that house 5 hours after I had sent my first alert.
I had secretly worked out an A plan, a B plan and a C plan for leaving. I knew what I had to do if I had to leave in 10 minutes and I knew what I had to do if I didn't have a new place to live and I knew what I had to do if I was lucky enough to have the stars align. I just didn't know how I was going to get up the courage to leave. What I couldn't do was plan ahead for the date I would leave. A railroad engineer does not have a schedule; they are constantly on call. I had to wait until he was on a two day trip so I had time to leave.
And then, on September 1, the stars aligned.
I was able to get all of my things-all of my ornaments, books, all of my spices, art supplies...all of my crossfit clothes...and my cat. And I had a new home.
You know, when you're in the thick of it, it all just seems so small and insignificant. The offhand comments, the tone that just doesn't sit right. And then one day you start to string it all together. Suddenly, it isn't so small and insignificant. It's a pattern. And you realize you have to go. Not someday, but NOW.
I remember the day I realized I had to go or he would kill me. He might not kill me today, or tomorrow, or in the next 5 years, but if I didn't leave, I was going to die. He was either going to kill my spirit or kill me physically, but he would kill me. And I was too strong and was too smart to let that happen.
Coming to Terms
Very few people really know what my life was like those 10 months I lived with him and knew what I went through the first time I tried to leave and ended up going back. I tried to be better, to be perfect so he would stop and so he would love me. Those are hard words to write; to realize you were in a situation like that and you so just wanted to not be hurt so you were desperate to not do anything wrong but really you were just hurting yourself by staying. And to look back and feel so dumb that you fell for it in the first place.
It was a hard pill to swallow; that I had been dumb enough to fall for an abusive man.
I've read a few books since then.
Since then I have learned:
- I love too much and give too many chances. I do not say no enough, or terminate relationships that are unhealthy for me because I see the good in everyone.
- The average amount of times a woman "goes back" to an abuser? 7. SEVEN.
- They (the abuser) target people (Smart, ambitious, goal oriented) like me because I have farther to fall
- I was literally tricked into falling in love.
- They (the abuser) know what they are doing and get pleasure from it.
- They (the abuser) will not change.
- Emotional abuse follows the same cycle that physical abuse does: Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Tension building, Incident, Reconciliation, Calm
- The need for people to control others stems from a deep-seeded sense of shame
- I am not the only one. This happens to others.
It's easy to look back and think "I should have known because....." but hindsight is 20/20. Some of it is my fault--I am pretty much able to rationalize anything. I can compartmentalize feelings. I can logic with the best of them. I am a very giving, caring person, to the point where I will neglect my own needs. I want others to succeed and want to help others become strong. All of those qualities are amazing qualities to have, but they are detrimental to me when in contact with a manipulative man. And specifically a man you are supposed to be able to trust with your heart.
Multiple people said "but you seemed so happy on Facebook" or "He really seemed like a nice guy"
Of course on the outside everything looks great. Doesn't every one's life? The Real-Life Highlight Reel:
My life from November 15, 2014 to August 31, 2015 went like this:
Repeatedly changing my email and other passwords because he would constantly hack into them trying to find out what I was hiding or doing wrong.
Ordering me to terminate friendships
"I know what you do when you're in Salem, "working". Don't think I don't know people there."
"Writing a grant all day? That's fucking bullshit. What were you really doing?"
"Doing work on a Friday night? Fucking bullshit Piranhas. You need to come get me from the hotel."
Telling me my swim team was stupid
"I don't know why you want to expand your company. Why can't you just be happy working part time"
"I really should buy you a different car" (I love my car and am proud that I can afford to buy a new car.)
"You don't make enough money"
"You should ask me when you need money."
"Why would I give you money for that? I thought you had a job"
"I don't know why you tied your tubes. If you don't want kids why not just have safer sex"
"You already saw your daughter this year"
Telling me I was a slut whore who couldn't keep her legs shut so that's why I had to give my child away.
Going through deleted messages to see who I had been e-mailing me
"I could wipe my ass with the money you make"
Not letting me spend time with my parents
Calling crossfit "gay fit" and shaming the gains I was making.
Saying all the guys at crossfit were just trying to get in my pants (What? I'm pretty sure we're all just trying not to die)
"Any particular reason you make the effort to do fag-fit but not clean the house?"
Not allowing me to spend the night at college roommate's friends houses in between long days of swim meets
The silent treatment. For days on end.
"I was just being sarcastic, can't you take a joke"
Making me come get him when he was stuck at a hotel from a train trip
Screaming at me if the kitchen wasn't clean enough
"I'm just not going to put up with that"
Telling me he was going to "tell my parents what I did" (even though all I did was get lunch with a potential client)
"Thanks for not putting my laundry in
Waking me up in the middle of the night screaming at me to leave because he had hacked into my old, deactivated facebook.
"Fuck off you white trash slut"
Changing the keypad so I couldn't get in the house.
"Thanks for being a liar and a fake"
Taking every vulnerable thing I ever said to him and twisting it around to make me feel shame
Chased my cat around the house doing mean things to her when I asked him to stop.
Spitting on me in the middle of vacation because I made a comment he didn't approve of.
Putting his hands around my neck.
Enough is Enough
It has taken me a long time to just talk about this with some people. I've started this blog entry multiple times and then deleted it. Started over. Deleted.
Mostly because I felt dumb and embarrassed that this happened to me. To be truthful, I still do.
The truth is, this can happen to anyone. (and is not just limited to male abusers, either).
So today I decided to finally sit down and write it out. I promised myself I would write this before it had been a year, so today I write. One of the biggest thing he stole from me was my voice. He squelched it, squandered it, and stomped all over it. It is probably the one thing I have to take back-to say, no-you can't have that power. I have a voice.
So today I write. I write because words are powerful. Words have meaning. While words have power, they should never be used to take someone's power or used against those with less power, but to empower those that need strength. To share our knowledge and experiences with the world. That is the true power of the written word.
So today I decided to be brave, and I forced myself to sit down and write this post. And I'm not allowed to get up until it is finished. I promised myself something and I have spent the past year not breaking promises to myself, but instead making new, challenging promises that will help me grow to be a stronger, empathetic human.
It is also my firm belief we-- strong, empowered women should be talking in constructive, positive ways about our struggles. That the way we create a generation of strong, empowered girls is to not candy coat, but to be realistic. You don't have to be mean, but you have to be REAL. BE GENUINE. We should not feel shamed because we aren't perfect or we need help. That if women discussed their imperfections that we would be stronger for it. If we had the courage to speak up and say "this happened to me and it was not ok that I was treated this way!" or "This happened to me and I left!" others may use our strength to become strong. By expressing who we truly genuinely are and not just the positive things that have shaped us but the negative things, too...we are only creating more empowered women. Women who uplift women is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
My challenge to you:
As a female, we are always taught "Don't let a boy hit you". We know what physical abuse is. We know what it looks like. We are told to run at first sight. But we are not taught about the red flags of emotional abuse. And when we are in it, we don't always know it. Or we realize it but are too embarrassed to say it. Or you think "No way, this can't be happening to me
Mothers and fathers, teachers, coaches:
I challenge you today to teach your children about the warning signs of emotional abuse.
I challenge you to teach your daughters more than "It is not ok if a man hits you" but to teach them that words cause more damage than fists.
I challenge you to raise a generation of boys that will empower their female partners.
And to let your children know that if they are ever in a situation where their gut is screaming at them "this is NOT OK!" You will do whatever it takes to GET THEM OUT OF THE SITUATION.
Today, I promise myself
- I will end a future relationship if one of my major red flags pops up. Immediately.
- I will never be too embarrassed to ask for help if I find myself in this situation
- I will never, ever, compromise myself or the people I love for a relationship
- I will be brave enough to share my story with the world.
- I will embrace my imperfections and share my struggles as well as my strengths.
Since Then
I was a literal walking zombie for the first month after I left. I helped facilitate a birthmom retreat and have no memories of the actual retreat. 6 months later I was helping facilitate the next retreat and I pulling out things I had worked on and I literally do not remember. I have done extensive reading, reflecting and work on myself. I spent a lot of time working on me physically but mentally as well. I reevaluated my life goals and dreams and have spent time re-aligning them. I have a definitive list of red flags and without exception if anyone get's "flagged" they are cut off. No excuses, no maybes, no "well maybe I will just.....". I have done that my whole life and it doesn't work for me. I have ended some very long, lengthy personal relationships that were not healthy. I am careful with who gets my heart.
On Shame (A shout-out to Brene' Brown)
Through some work with my birthmom friends I have really fallen in love with Brene' Brown and her work on Shame, Vulnerability and authenticity. These are some of my favorite highlights and quotes that have helped me.
- Three things you can do to break the shame cycle:
- talking to yourself like you talk to someone you love,
- reaching out to someone you trust
- tell your story.
- Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. ~Brené Brown
- We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. ~ Brené Brown
- Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think. ~ Brené Brown
A special thank you to a very very very special man who encourages me each and every day to grow, change, chase my dreams. And most importantly, has helped me find my voice again.
Resources I have found/continue to find helpful
- Book: Women Who Love Too Much
- Book: Psychopath Free
- Book: Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help us Grow
- Book: This is How: Surviving what you think you can’t by Augusten Burroughs
- Website: Brene' Brown
- Website: Psychopath Free
- Website: Narccisstic and Emotional Abuse
- Website: The Narccissitc Personality
- Website: Elephant Journal
- Facebook Page: Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse
- Facebook Page: The Smart Girl's Guide to Self Care
Articles
- How to Know He's Not the One
- Are you dating an emotional predator?
- The Love Story of a Narccissit and his Victim
- The Secret language of Narcissists
- Dear Selfless Woman: This is why we are attracted to men who need fixing
- How to Raise a Narccissit (and how not to)
- Trusting and Opening your Heart after Emotional Abuse
- Three ways to set boundaries and learn to say no
- Narccissits and the Art of Future Faking
- I take full responsibility for letting you use me
- How Can Anyone Love Me With All My Issues
- 4 Behaviors That Unmask a Hidden Narcissist
- Sometimes, You Just Have To Love Yourself
- You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
- 10 Life-Changing Truths Abuse Survivors Should Embrace
- Dating Emotional Predators: Signs to Look Out For
- The Secret Language of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths: How Abusers Manipulate and Traumatize Their Victims
- WE SHOULD NEVER TELL OUR DAUGHTERS: “HE’S ONLY MEAN BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU”
- The Hidden Power In Trusting Your Gut Instincts
- Read This If You’re A Woman Who Likes To ‘Fix People’
- Underneath the Mask of a Narcissist
- How I overcame relationship addiction