In Perpetual Pursuit

The Lesson of the Butterfly By Paulo Coelho A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still. The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled. The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shriveled wings, incapable of flight. What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterf...

Because this is an independent sport, athletes have their choice of where to train. As a coach I know how lucky I am to have an athlete like Rebekah choose to swim at our program. It amazing what can happen when an athlete sees what the coach sees. They start believing in their their potential and takes ownership of their success. This season Rebekah set three big goals --making states, making her sectional cut and make finals at senior champs-- and she took ownership of the steps to reach them. It truly takes a dedicated athlete to achieve what she has achieved. We have been through plateaus, anger, happiness and tears. I have watched her grow from a young swimmer to a committed athlete that trains, and truly believes she can achieve her goals. It isn't always easy but it is always worth it. It is very unusual that any individual athlete achieves three large goals in any season. I am so proud of her- for believing in her coaches and believing in herself.

An excerpt from this post was used as part of Hillary M. Jones's Birthmother Series http://www.hillarymjones.com/the-birthmother-series#8  I’m going to confess this secret part of me to the world: I never intended on having children. I had asked doctors for years if I could get my tubes tied and they all told me I would change my mind and wouldn't perform the procedure.  Oh the irony-of having the world control your reproductive rights and then accidentally getting pregnant!  I was 29 when I made my adoption plan.  A lot of people at the time didn't understand because I am so great with kids--I work with kids daily and spend a lot of time working with Special Needs kids. Just because I am awesome with children doesn't mean parenting is the best choice. The type of person her biological father was played a big part in my decision not to parent. (I realize my first mistake is procreating with a less than ideal human, but we all make mistakes; it’s how we l...

Life was very, very, very good to me in 2014.  There was lots of healing and growing in 2014.  I'm proud of me! The beginning of 2014 was pretty miserable, and I will be the first to admit that. Hands down, I was not in a great place emotionally...although I definitely couldn't have told you that at the time.  In March I had my wake up call: I found out that Abby and her adoptive parents were moving to Colorado.  My (what I thought was pretty together) emotional state was shaken, stirred, and vomited all over my pretty little head. Luckily, I found out they were moving while I was at a Birthmother retreat.  I found out that horrible, awful news when I was surrounded by a roomful of women that understood exactly what I was feeling; even if I couldn't articulate what I felt, yet.  It took me an entire weekend of crying quietly in the shower and alone in the woods before I could even begin to understand how I was feeling. I am forever grateful for those wo...

As it is now 1/2/14 and I have no official goals for next year, I figured I should probably start by reflecting on last year's resolutions and seeing how we did: goals for 2013: 1. don't lose my engagement ring in a body of water. 2. brew more beer, eat less carb loaded food. 3. work more effectively and efficiently.  4. stronger and leaner body by 10% 5. Go back to grad school by 2014. How it actually turned out: 1. Success! I didn't lose my ring at all or any diamonds out of it, which was an underlying fear.  However, we decided a year to the day after putting it on my finger, following through with the wedding was not in either of our best interests.  I'm sure after all the pain and hurt I'm going through right now have a chance to fade, I will be able to write more and reflect on all the amazing things we both learned from each other.   2.  Success!  I ate a LOT less carbs, and I brewed 6 batches of beer.  Nothing else needs said on thi...

Happy first birthday to the best thing that has ever happened to me: Miss Abigail Leigh! It's incredible to look back over a year and think about all the things you've experienced in a short 365 days.  I never would be where I am today if I hadn't chose the path of an open adoption.  Never in a million years, would I have expected to be a birthmother and begin to love and cherish all the small little things that being a birthmother entails.  It's so challenging in today's society to put terms to the relationship I have with Abigail's parents and how grateful I am for who they are and how they raise her. I am a positive person; I believe positive breeds positive and negative does the same.  I try to stay positive. No, I do not regret my decision.  Is it hard? Absolutely.  I think one of the most challenging things that happens is interacting with people outside of the adoption triad.  Some people ask innocent questions that can be hurtful, o...

In 2012 I loved and lost.  This was the year that I gave birth to Abigail and relinquished her in an open adoption.  She belongs to Brooke and Todd, but she is loved by all.  I am so thankful every day that the adoption went as well as it did.  The feeling of love is sometimes overshadowed by the feeling of loss, but I know it will get better in time. I have the best adoptive parents that respect the space I need and let me cherish the moments I need as well.  Abigail will be getting a baby sister in February and I couldn't be more excited for them. 2012 was a year of beginnings and endings.   This was the year I made the choice to end several friendships due to growth, chaos, or because the choices they made regarding my decision to place my child for adoption.   This was the year that I began a lifelong relationship with healing.  This was the year I began surrounding myself again with people that were positive and would ...